Collection of Misery

mood: anxious

locale: new antique bed

song: clock


i'm so nervous about this.
this is jacqui speaking, not annalise.

maybe it is annalise, but you know what, she doesn't have to go through this, curses.

g-rated profanities.
explatives.

you would think when you found out what your calling was [concerning spiritual matters] you would be elated. supernaturally relieved to have finally been chosen in the select few.. to have a special sticker placed on your forehead that knighted you as a carrier of truth in His ministry for the rest of you long lived life.

He reveal the pieces to you slowly.. you know one thing for sure.. just for Him to add something else to it.
so you think.
what if you can't handle the other part?
what if you think it's too big for you to fulfill?
what if you're the dreamer, again, in this scenario, and its just wishful thinking?
but would there be a burden for it?
what would happen to the rest of your life plans?
what if it all changes your thinking?
your behaviour to the point of drasticism?
phrase: "simplistic idealogies"
would be nice.

there's only so much i think i could physically do.
i need to search out what He really, REALLY means.
the other ones, i was fine with.
i could do those.
no prob. no big deal. i'd gotten used to them. been mentally preparing myself to go through it. to be educated in what would be expected. watching those i thought were good role models, and thinking to myself, i would like to be like that one day..
gradually trying to work their characteristics into my lifestyle--not mastered in the slightest.

But THIS??! come on.
i've told like.. one person. i take that back. i've told two people.
both were incredibly shocked.
because it's not something you would EVER see me doing.
EVER.
that's why it freaks me out.
they could be my shoes one day.

I'm willing to do whatever God wants. Honestly.
I've told him since I was 8 years old.
Remember? that time Bro. Joey sat you down, and asked you what you wanted to do for God?
what did you reply?
"the biggest thing possible."
what did he say to that?
"what do you mean? like to be a worship leader? a song/praise singer? what?"
and you said?
"even if its the smallest thing to me, and to everybody else, i want it to be the biggest thing i could do for Him. because it means i gave Everthing back."

I'm willing. I'd be a liar if i had told Him otherwise and not kept my promise.
He has my life in His hands.
That's why I'm careful.
I should be more careful.
more protective of what i've got.
what i've already given away.
to make ABSOLUTELY sure that it's His PERFECT will, not just what my flesh wants to happen.
Goodness knows where that's gotten us in the past.

especially when it comes to churched boys.
sometime i think it'd be ok if i just ruined my life.
but i can Never ruin someone else's ministry.
they may want what they want,
but let's put God first.
He'll tell us if it's right or not.
He's never been wrong before.

He's got so much in store.
how do we even know?
we don't.
who knows what He may bring forth tomorrow,
for He is the One who brings forth the wind.

When a Pillar Crumbles, So Goes the World

i have been working on a new piece:

with your petty crimes against a fascist world

the covenants broke, redeemed to knock on wood

when a moral falls and a system dies

when there's no longer drive to choke down the lie

when a pillar crumbles, so goes the world

haven't finished it yet.

but i rather like it(:

i found a collection of works online i found absolutely exhilarating.

i think i might enter a poetry contest.

just maybe.

you have to write it two weeks before the due date, on a spur of the moment whim.

but it sounds like it could be fun.

i just need to find out when the next entry date is.

i have recently learned that there are those that actually read this online sanctuary i thought i had created.

i put the address on skype just to seem cool. i honestly never imagined people would check up on it. i never do.

it makes me feel uncomfortable.

there's no more privacy here... even if it is just for prattle, nonsense.

so i might delete this one, and create a new one somewhere.. different site.. different alias..

i'm not sure when, how, but it'll come.

thank you to those who have anonymously followed.

but i need my space.

sorry.

Stillness Of Quiet is Just Where We Need To Be

mood: complacent

locale: my chouch

song: Oceans Twelve


Billowy, Mockingbird, Dewberry, Essential,

Bewitched..

words that capture the attention, and bring about a sense of familiarity upon instance.
like a dangling piece of glass suspended only by continual will of purpose.

i found my little journal of musings.. my sketches that render the dark humor and seriousness of conceptualism.

minority, senority, conglamoratory.

let the lillies whisper my tales of service and solitude,
the sun wretches my happiness in shambles of light,
pieces of my destiny shaped to yours,
arranged only by thoughts of my own magnitude.
my heart sees your folly but is blind by acknowledged blight,
and concedes to your care by entrapment.

stale is the day.

complete.

mood: frustrated

song: silence

locale: daybed in the drearyness

frustration can't even begin to describe the feelings i've just suffered. the most inconceivable of things to happen on a day like today.. it just makes me angry. and i have still much more to do. i need not to be worried. there is always another day, another start to life just waiting around the corner, i just haven't found it yet.

arrival at any certain time is always questionable in this day and age. we are met with too many variables, and not enough stationary articles to keep the body grounded for more than two minutes of a time.

i miss my mum. and my papa. neither are available for chatting today.):

i am, however, excited that i have an interview tomorrow at Victoria's Secret. its beautiful to me. i can't really explain why.. but i just find it to be so. maybe its because it so brash, or its because they flaunt the form of the female body, and i'm so attracted to the idea of being beautiful in every sense.

beauty to me is someitmes different than what it would be to others. conceptual art, i have decided, is my favorite. or post impressionism. i love art. i love color, and vibrancy, and challenges and form and line and structure and concept behind matter and everything thats the least bit..odd.

maybe you couldn't tell. doesn't really matter. i just go for whats distinguishably classy.

xoxox

The eye to the soul gazes at me through the trees,

Mimicking the whispers my lover tells me.

Come hither from here,

Come thither to me,

Hold open your hand as we catch gentle breeze.

Softly they caress,

Special care to my bosom,

Lulling me into the chasm of dreams.

Frame me with words of a soft moon kiss,

Carry me tenderly across angry sea.

On wings of your light I see without cause,

Falling to bliss in blind single slumber.

My tears have gone darkly,

Pale memories to hold.

Sing to me sweet,

The lullaby of Fear,

And tie me to rhythm I no longer hear.

mood: complacent

locale: daybed in the sun

song: lullaby

i've lost all precepts of life. the former idols that i had put up now seem so useless in comparison to the gods constructed now.

as i see it, animal crackers have become my new best friends. oh btw, dont i look simply dashing in that picture? well, obviously, it isn't me. but it is, its like our souls have connected somehow.

have you ever stopped to listen to the melody of the grass blades? or the drum of the birds wing? or listened to the whispered tales of love passed between the branches of the graceful birch trees?

.."i've got, da da da inside my head and i play songs back to back before i go to bed.."

i feel so neglectful when it comes to this page. really, its quite sad. i love to write down the musings of my day when it comes to this spot.. i just rarely ever take the time.

i've started a small book of dark poetry and scribblings. it helps to pass the lonesomeness and the feelings of self pity. when i think of someone else having a horrible death of the life of a loved one ripped away, somehow it helps. morbid? maybe. but you should maybe pick it up. just buy a small journal and scibble in it the dealings of your heart at the hour. you'll be amazed at what you find.

babies awake. must vanquish. Love.

mood: happy

locale: couch

song: television

the days continue to roll by. the man in question has left several times.. he's been all over for business.. i've been left alone to my own devices.. which means that ive been a little wild this week. But. Forgivess is great.

His qualities are expressed so flawlessly.. but i fear that we are too distant. He never talks to me the way he used to. He's my completed half, when i see him, the other side of my chest swells. I don't mean to love him yet, not in the slightest, but its hard to see him and watch him grow as a person and see how fantastically wonderful he is without that slight tug on the heart strings that make a girl go mad. In all sincerity, i had hoped we would have a future together. Maybe it was me trying to force God's hand into. Maybe i am supposed to wait a little bit longer. He's not just another boy. He's not just another man. He's who i found worthy to spend my life with, but if God isn't in it, then i don't need to even pursue it.. it just makes me wonder when at those quiet times, i find him in the back of my mind.. when the speaker says something, he's the first thing to pop into my mind. i can't help but wonder, i'm sure you would as well...

oh well. Life is life, and thank the Lord i am not in control. or i would have created chaos long before now.

Peace.

i hate monotonous pain colors.. for real. the whole color scheme in blues is just retarded. seriously.

i love you all. aduio benidos carveszaz. (:

Beautiful Tragedies

mood: waiting

song: sountrack

locale: bedroom floor

of all the most remarkable things that have happened in the short span of my lifetime.. i have found it. The one thing that makes a person most happy in the universe in which we live is God. He truly is. and His love is so amazingly given.

the hippie band is the new fad of choice that i follow quite dedicatedly. i have several.. no one else seems to understand that it is quite the rage now.. according to myself and noone else. i prefer it that way. individuality must speak out in some way. whether it be acceptable or not at any given time is adherently decided by persons such as Elizabeth Bennet. she is quite the heroine you know. quite a lovely girl. such gumption all wrapped up in one body should be resisted in today's time and place, and yet we seem to encourage it in the most unbeguiling ways.

swallows.. i've become quite obsessed with the little darlings as of late. they interest me to no end. i believe its the symbolism. freedom. uniqueness. individual strengths and hope that it brings.

As written before, i'm determined to fall in love. i have found the man i wish to settle with in the future, now it is just to convince him that we are quite destined to be in unity with one another. he may not quite see it my way, but i hope he shall one day. his name? Tim Robertson. Quite a handsome bloke.. strong features.. good shape. But what has capture this yielding heart? not his good looks or his smothering charm, or his good manners, or standing in society, no. it is his Heart that seems to be as big as the sky.. and as open. His love is passionate.. and growing.. all in the nature of our Saviour Jesus. that is what will bring us together.. that is what will bring us to life. that is what will determine our livilihood.. and our happiness. and i cannot wait for him to love me. so i can get started on liking him. backwards? possibly. but it will work. and i'll keep you posted.

he will be my beloved one day. which is a good thing. and he just discovered his need for coffee today, so there is hope for the two of us yet in this life. we both tend to have nerd and free spirit qualities, and to the blessing of the Lord they will work out it in the best way..

the beautiful tragedy? that he is unaware.

that he cannot see me as of yet.. but he will.

that i had to go through so many different guys to end up at him.

that i couldn't wait long enough to let him be my first everything.

that i have everthing to give to him.

that he loves another.

that i may never be good enough or deserving of a man of his caliber.

that i act like a git in his presence.

but thats all going to be fine. (:

Young Coyotes.

song:ballerina
mood:reflective
local:floor of the bedroom...again

my nose is fat. it was abruptly brought to my attention today while taking pictures. it has a slightly wide bridge! for all these years, i've felt as if my face were quite lovely, but now I see my nose as a humongously large appendage on my face! its horrid! bloody horrid.

so as you know, i made a vow to push myself into society. well thats been going famously.. if only i could dream for that.. i've gone on several dates since then.. two with a bloke named Spencer, and a casual flirtation with a boy named Michael, but i know who the true victim is going to be.. the most handsome fellow my eyes have beheld, and with some luck (and some powder to disguise my fat nose), and prayer, he will be mine.

in the most reprehensive form of honesty, i am only sitting in my floor writing to you now in need to procrastinate just a while longer before completing the final pages of my paper that is due tomorrow morning. i daresay its a wonderful piece of work.. it makes absolutely no sense, but hopefully the mistress will be able to understand it enough that is passes. i just need the credits.. and then off to graduate school.

today was a complete disaster. last night i took a muscle relaxer, and did not take note of the time.. it was ingested around 10 30 pm. I was awoke this morning at about 6 15, and could barely function for all the fog that i was in! getting to the school was torturous.. i dozed through my first class, and completely blanked through my entire second one, only to wake up long enough to finish the last 15 minutes of my third class.

but all is well now. i'm finishing off my second cup of caffienated coffee.. hopefully it will buzz me through the rest of the night.. i hope it does anyway.

well, i'm off to the wonderous land of misguided apprehension in the workings of the world. i shall catch up with you soon.. Cheers.

Deleting the Bad

our fair ex lover has been thoroughly deleted. i hope. his vulgarity can only be stomached for so long. his dire sense of humor. the way he demands things, and pushes himself into the most inappropriate places in my life. disgust. so much disgust can only be bottled for so long before it needs a place to rupture to. and he i find soo utterly repulsive.

and unfortunately, i have found myself on the rebound. i never thought this would happen. i would never need to go through this experience. but its happening. right now. i need an outlet for my affection. my concentration. its sad. horribly sad.

there has been so much snow outside. it comes, then goes. then comes again, then metls away within the hour. such a fickle thing, weather.

But i have made the decision now, to push myself out into society. I have been hibernating in this house for a week. and i need to get myself into the universe. badly. this sort of behavior should not be.. accepted by the normaly functioning citizens of this world. So.. in respect to my decision, i am going to go.. out. i don't know where. i haven't been to the market in months. maybe i should start there.. i usually have it sent for.. but maybe i need this new interaction with the common populace to come to grips with the reality that i am a single person with a life to live..

he's sending messages to my phone. how lovely. and they aren't even considerate.. or kind or nice.. or even happy.. and he doesn't want me.. fine. no more tears. no more heartache. time to face the world, even in the dead of winter.. now on with it. i shall be happy.

its perfectly fantastic the way things turn out. the love you think you have for people. the romance you once envisioned blooming. the people you can touch, or the joy you bring to other people.. the truth is, it's never all that it's cracked up to be. life never does turn its pretty face in the heroines direction more than once, and that is why she is considered the oppressed individual with little to hope for in her future. but all in all, isnt that what makes her the better person?

i have no idea why people try so hard to please others. the effort is hardly noticed. and the only thing worth taking a pleasant eye at is what is most valuable to the person mentioned. greetings are worthless. salutations of well being fall dead after they are spoken. and the hubbub and din of laughter in a quiet corner never has taken anyone out of their ethereal life to a flowing blubbery of mystique in a faraway land.. so why indulge in such a frivolty? its hardly worth the effort.

there is a children's cartoon that is out in publication.. the Sleeping Beauty. I dare say it was my favorite fairytale as a child.. but now i find the promise of a love like that to be an everfading dream that i can never hold within my grasp. the groom is gone. the wedding is no longer. the drama life presents at such times is horribly planned.. and ill timed..

i did have a rather remarkable dream last night.. and it was one filled with love.. and i was incandescently happy.. i was so..bubbly! and it was wonderful! for a short period of time, i had peace, and joy. and it was lovely.

time fades. seasons die. love fails. but all together, life has been good.

Once Upon A Dream

Currently, I am shifting through millions upon millions of photos for reception ideas. I think I've actually found the colors I'm going to use: Blush, Pewter, and Ivory.

I love this color combination, but I'm trying to stay away from it feeling stark, so the reception will most likely be held at dusk, just after midday, so that they glowy feel will reverbate throughout the room. Most likely the theme will be Offbeat Vintage..

It came to me today about how i want to go about the whole affair. The central idea will be Classic Hollywood, so what we'll do is name the table after one of our favorite old-time films, and decorate it accordingly. We have the King's Plaza in Johnson City for our Venue.. so this should turn out just right. We're hoping for June 30th, Lord Willing.

The room has an incredible look, but it mostly feels empty.. So we will be ordering our monogram on 12x4 mirrors to frame parts of the south and west walls.

Once all this is done, I'm hoping that we can pay attention more to the menu's than anything else. We haven't booked a caterer as of yet, and I'm getting a little frazzled. But that's all right. It'll add up eventually if i have to cook myself.

Catch my Eye

I had a love

but once I got it then I couldn't get enough

Sunday comes

and again I find out what I'm running from

Its you and those eyes

when you cross the room I want to run and hide

It's me loving you

and the hurt that comes when you pass me by

It's you wanting her

when you smile and make her laugh then catch my eye

It's the truth

Windows Open

Here it comes again

The slow breath that raises your chest

You smile just a little

And pull the sheets over your head

Bringing me down to your level

A place that I don't want to leave

The sun peeks under the curtain

And pulls back a flash of time

When we both were younger

Just something you whispered to me

Don't ever leave me

I promise that I will be yours

Forever- I will be the man you

See in your dreams

Just let me be your Prince Charming

So don't you leave me, my Prince Charming

You promised me that you never would

I stare out the window

The raindrops fall from the sky

I still feel you beside me

From the place you promised you never would go

Days Go By

Sleepless and wandering,

Scared to death

I find my way back to that place we first met

That place where you held my hand

Rocked me to sleep

We danced under stars

It was where we would dream

But now that you're gone

And I'm all alone

I can't help but wonder

Just where I would go

To leave behind everything that I've ever known

To take a deep breath and go out on my own

Days go by

But here I am

Taking that first step

That's all I have planned

Days go by

And here I stand

Midnight Blue Lemon Cake

mood:quiet
song:Piece of Me
local:home

My hippie insticts leave me broken hearted. They're actually going to make me sit in a chair. Not even a cool round swivel chair, a brown homely one with tons of sentimental value. Oh the pain of not being able to stretch while i write out everything on this blasted keyboard. Its like my morning yoga routine, sitting here at the computer. Type, stretch, type, stretch...

The archaic halls of the institution they call a college are closed due to unavoidable weather inclements that stop it from operating. I'm on the third cup of java joe this morning, trying to finish my opinionated paper on the oppressionistic plays we have been reading. Love liberation, hate the plays.

The paint on the bathroom walls is almost dry. Its now a lovely shade of Midnight Blue. I'm going to start working on the four-point stars that are going to hang from the ceiling, which are to be painted gold and silver. I'm still working on my method for making the cloud swirls which are going to float up from the tub..and shower.. but it should be marvelous.

I asked Randy to be my Man of Honor. And Missy to be my Matron of Honor. And Olivia to be my Maid of Honor. And I have five Bridesmaids. My groom.. Is Amazing. But you're supposed to marry the most amazing man ever, right?

Theme One: Lemon cheesecake. Tiffany blue. Red roses. Pearl White. Turquoise. Red shoes. Converse.

Theme Two: Strawberry cheesecake. Nautical blue. Lime green. Cloud White. Black. Hot pink.

Theme Three: Marble Cake. White. Evergreen. Cream. Hunter green.

Decisions, decisions.. and still no answers. Love.

Rock & Roll

mood: happy
song: rock & roll
local: home

The tinkling of china, crystal, and glass is over. The balloons have popped, the dishes have been washed, and finally the head can hit the pillow.

I laid in my sisters extremely small bed last night, waiting for my very tiny cousin to close her eyes and drift off into an extremely deep sleep, and thought of all the other places I could have been to spend my first New Year's Eve as an adult. The invitations I had recieved were numerous, but all were declined due to the nagging of my conscience and the present state of my family's circumstances.

But the dark room was filled with a warm sense of love and lonliness only known to us that truly understand that selfish "unselfishness", meaning we pretend to be selfless to maintain our good standing in the society in which we live.

Consequently, the night ended uneventfully. No panty shanking, no drunken love stories, no horrendous fiascos that only happen when surrounded by the idiots I call friends, just peace. And a sense of self awareness that I wish I didn't have.

My heart still beats, my eyes still water, and my nose is still incredibly stuffy, but hey, I'm no worse for wear.