Collection of Misery

mood: anxious

locale: new antique bed

song: clock


i'm so nervous about this.
this is jacqui speaking, not annalise.

maybe it is annalise, but you know what, she doesn't have to go through this, curses.

g-rated profanities.
explatives.

you would think when you found out what your calling was [concerning spiritual matters] you would be elated. supernaturally relieved to have finally been chosen in the select few.. to have a special sticker placed on your forehead that knighted you as a carrier of truth in His ministry for the rest of you long lived life.

He reveal the pieces to you slowly.. you know one thing for sure.. just for Him to add something else to it.
so you think.
what if you can't handle the other part?
what if you think it's too big for you to fulfill?
what if you're the dreamer, again, in this scenario, and its just wishful thinking?
but would there be a burden for it?
what would happen to the rest of your life plans?
what if it all changes your thinking?
your behaviour to the point of drasticism?
phrase: "simplistic idealogies"
would be nice.

there's only so much i think i could physically do.
i need to search out what He really, REALLY means.
the other ones, i was fine with.
i could do those.
no prob. no big deal. i'd gotten used to them. been mentally preparing myself to go through it. to be educated in what would be expected. watching those i thought were good role models, and thinking to myself, i would like to be like that one day..
gradually trying to work their characteristics into my lifestyle--not mastered in the slightest.

But THIS??! come on.
i've told like.. one person. i take that back. i've told two people.
both were incredibly shocked.
because it's not something you would EVER see me doing.
EVER.
that's why it freaks me out.
they could be my shoes one day.

I'm willing to do whatever God wants. Honestly.
I've told him since I was 8 years old.
Remember? that time Bro. Joey sat you down, and asked you what you wanted to do for God?
what did you reply?
"the biggest thing possible."
what did he say to that?
"what do you mean? like to be a worship leader? a song/praise singer? what?"
and you said?
"even if its the smallest thing to me, and to everybody else, i want it to be the biggest thing i could do for Him. because it means i gave Everthing back."

I'm willing. I'd be a liar if i had told Him otherwise and not kept my promise.
He has my life in His hands.
That's why I'm careful.
I should be more careful.
more protective of what i've got.
what i've already given away.
to make ABSOLUTELY sure that it's His PERFECT will, not just what my flesh wants to happen.
Goodness knows where that's gotten us in the past.

especially when it comes to churched boys.
sometime i think it'd be ok if i just ruined my life.
but i can Never ruin someone else's ministry.
they may want what they want,
but let's put God first.
He'll tell us if it's right or not.
He's never been wrong before.

He's got so much in store.
how do we even know?
we don't.
who knows what He may bring forth tomorrow,
for He is the One who brings forth the wind.