Normal to my Gram happens in the following schedule: wake up at five a.m. every morning to go walking; eat oatmeal with blueberries; watch the 8 o'clock news; include me in her plan for the day. Everything with her depends on priority. Top priority takes precedent over absolutely every other item on any kind of list until it finally can be marked off, bringing in a breath of accomplishment. That is, until the new tasks start.
So far, we've "spring cleaned" all available surfaces in this house. (Obviously I had the option to do the chores that did not include heavy aerosol arsenal.) The business portions she handled had been transferred to her branch in town, where I sometimes acted as her personal assistant. We also became active members in the small pastoral community, visiting the farmers market and other country hubs that brought special magic and meaning to the air.
Here, I didn't feel like I had to hide anything. People may have given me looks on occasion, but that was mostly based on how much food I managed to chuck down in one sitting. Which was a lot these days. The Gilmore's would be so proud. But, all in all, there was no judgement. The usual fakes I may have had to deal with back home weren't lurking in alley ways snap my picture and tell everyone at Bible study what they had seen.
Every week I tried to take picture of my belly. Maybe one day when I had the strength to see Tyler again, I could show him how our baby grew. I could show him that even turmoil couldn't ruin the weird miracle in my lower region.
Honestly, pregnancy wasn't all I had thought that it would be. It felt weird. There really was no glow. There was no oozing sense of motherhood that just happened to pour from my veins and touch the world around me. I was nauseous. At night. In the morning. I craved apple juice and nuts and scrambled eggs. On occasion I did feel like there was a hyperactive rubber ball on the inside. With fingers probably. Just trying to rubber ball roll his way out. I figured he was a boy. He felt like a boy. It was still too early to tell, but I felt like he should be one..
I knew it was too early to let Tyler go. I had been the one to do all the pushing. and I knew that. But I knew there were options that would make this whole blessed thing move further and further back into the years of yesterday.. and the options only grew. Gram had talked to me about adoption, especially after she introduced me to Spence. He was the local church boy who's father happened to be mayor.. and owner of a large operating section of Gram's business.. convenient.. but he was nice, and he made me smile over the simple stuff. Oh, and he didn't care that my abdomen was slowly starting to compete with the size of a prize winning watermelon.
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Monday, November 28, 2011
Officially
I stared out my window for weeks. Guilt moved me inside, a recluse from reality. My mother cried all the time, my dad barely spoke. We all just moped around, lifeless, dull, waiting for a spark of energy to zap the house. Mostly we examined my abdomen. Sometimes Mom would come and sit with me, place her hand on the barely there bump, and just sigh. I wondered if she were ever going to love me again, talk to me the way we used to, ever move past the way we were acting.
After Tyler had left to go back to football camp that weekend, I cut off all contact with him. He deserved more than a future like this. Watching the movies and reading the books could never have prepared me for what the truth experience was really like, but here it was in my lap, just wasting time like the rest of us.
My grandmother was the last person i wanted to include in the joyous occasion, but she surprisingly turned out to be the best thing that could have ever happened to me. Level headed and cool, she chauffeured me to all the best baby depots and maternity stores, making sure I knew that if I were going to have the baby, I better have a way to bring it into the world. I listened half-heartedly. Honestly, it barely felt like consciousness anymore. The gaping hole inside my chest grew larger everyday. Finally, i blocked Tyler's calls. Having five or six missed messages a day was more than i could handle. Space was all I wanted. That dark place where the empty caverns are your best friends that understand exactly what you're going through.
When Gram suggested we go to her Winter house for a few months, i jumped at the chance. A new place with a new town was all that I wanted. Scandalous events were not too common for my families name, so keeping this baby underwraps would be the best thing, you know, concerning the circumstances.
"Pick any of the rooms you want. I'll tell Charlise what to pick up from the store, so if there's anything you need, just tell her. If you need me, I'm going to be in the North side. Just follow the hall."
Ash plunked her luggage ontop the bare mattress, wondering what this house must have looked like in its prime. The winter house for the Brooke's family was just south of Atlanta, buried in the leftover Smoky Mountains, surrounded by forest and ancestoral plantation fields. The marble pillars and ceramic floors created a grand contrast against the gently countryside. Ash chose the room with the best South view, the one she and her mother used to share when they would come visit Gram just weeks before Christmas. All the family visits had stopped once Harold P. Brooke passed, leaving Gram his business to run and property to attend. She had sold off most of his investements, but had always kept this house. "It's too full of mystery and history to let some stranger move in. Harry would have wanted it to stay. So that's what i'm going to do."
Fluffing out sheets and pulling crinkly covers from their plastic casings, Ash breathed the cooling air. The windows were open to tug in some cedar scents, as well as chase away any cobwebs left in the cracks. "No need to have the crew clean it on such a short notice. We'll just show up and take care of what we need. The rest will fall into place," Gram had assured her repeatedly that their stay wouldn't be a bother to the groundskeepers. "What else do we pay them for? To sit around and look darling?"
When the folding and hanging had been done, Ash pulled out her secret box. Inside remained the two most precious items left to her on earth. The collection of sticky notes that Ty had left her, and their picture taken together at his last game. She mourned the two innocent faces, lost in romance and passion with no thought for tomorrow. Heart breaking, she slid it under her bed, counting the moments until the sun would come up again.
After Tyler had left to go back to football camp that weekend, I cut off all contact with him. He deserved more than a future like this. Watching the movies and reading the books could never have prepared me for what the truth experience was really like, but here it was in my lap, just wasting time like the rest of us.
My grandmother was the last person i wanted to include in the joyous occasion, but she surprisingly turned out to be the best thing that could have ever happened to me. Level headed and cool, she chauffeured me to all the best baby depots and maternity stores, making sure I knew that if I were going to have the baby, I better have a way to bring it into the world. I listened half-heartedly. Honestly, it barely felt like consciousness anymore. The gaping hole inside my chest grew larger everyday. Finally, i blocked Tyler's calls. Having five or six missed messages a day was more than i could handle. Space was all I wanted. That dark place where the empty caverns are your best friends that understand exactly what you're going through.
When Gram suggested we go to her Winter house for a few months, i jumped at the chance. A new place with a new town was all that I wanted. Scandalous events were not too common for my families name, so keeping this baby underwraps would be the best thing, you know, concerning the circumstances.
"Pick any of the rooms you want. I'll tell Charlise what to pick up from the store, so if there's anything you need, just tell her. If you need me, I'm going to be in the North side. Just follow the hall."
Ash plunked her luggage ontop the bare mattress, wondering what this house must have looked like in its prime. The winter house for the Brooke's family was just south of Atlanta, buried in the leftover Smoky Mountains, surrounded by forest and ancestoral plantation fields. The marble pillars and ceramic floors created a grand contrast against the gently countryside. Ash chose the room with the best South view, the one she and her mother used to share when they would come visit Gram just weeks before Christmas. All the family visits had stopped once Harold P. Brooke passed, leaving Gram his business to run and property to attend. She had sold off most of his investements, but had always kept this house. "It's too full of mystery and history to let some stranger move in. Harry would have wanted it to stay. So that's what i'm going to do."
Fluffing out sheets and pulling crinkly covers from their plastic casings, Ash breathed the cooling air. The windows were open to tug in some cedar scents, as well as chase away any cobwebs left in the cracks. "No need to have the crew clean it on such a short notice. We'll just show up and take care of what we need. The rest will fall into place," Gram had assured her repeatedly that their stay wouldn't be a bother to the groundskeepers. "What else do we pay them for? To sit around and look darling?"
When the folding and hanging had been done, Ash pulled out her secret box. Inside remained the two most precious items left to her on earth. The collection of sticky notes that Ty had left her, and their picture taken together at his last game. She mourned the two innocent faces, lost in romance and passion with no thought for tomorrow. Heart breaking, she slid it under her bed, counting the moments until the sun would come up again.
Thursday, November 24, 2011
First Run Fancy
Never a pain so strong as that as anticipation. She sinks her slippery fingers to pull doubt, malice, fear, and hate into the nether regions of our conscience. Ashton and Tyler quietly huddled together on the center sofa, staged to present an humble facade. Eyes boring holes into the floor, neither bothered to lift their gazes once the pair of adults had lifted foot onto the premises. Quick chatter and mindless prattle set the atmosphere as the two lighthearted parents traipsed through the front rooms, rehashing and ranting about the times. When they met the frightened figures resembling naughty children awaiting them, the air silenced.
"Hey! What are you two doing?" Delicate stilettos swung from the tips of her fingers. The atmosphere changed when her father stepped into the room.
Backs straightening, throats clearing, Ash grimaced as the words flew from her lips, "We need to talk to you guys."
"OK. What about?" The expressions on her parents faces darkened. Sucking her cheeks, she gulped down the hot air threatening to spill out.
"Maybe this would be easier if you would sit down. Please." Sinking into the overstuffed chairs across from them, panic froze the shocked features.
"I get the feeling this isn't you telling us... No. I don't want to guess." Her mother wiped tears from watery eyes. "Why am I crying? Ridiculous. I just... Please don't tell me."
"Mom, Dad......We're pregnant."
"Hey! What are you two doing?" Delicate stilettos swung from the tips of her fingers. The atmosphere changed when her father stepped into the room.
Backs straightening, throats clearing, Ash grimaced as the words flew from her lips, "We need to talk to you guys."
"OK. What about?" The expressions on her parents faces darkened. Sucking her cheeks, she gulped down the hot air threatening to spill out.
"Maybe this would be easier if you would sit down. Please." Sinking into the overstuffed chairs across from them, panic froze the shocked features.
"I get the feeling this isn't you telling us... No. I don't want to guess." Her mother wiped tears from watery eyes. "Why am I crying? Ridiculous. I just... Please don't tell me."
"Mom, Dad......We're pregnant."
Monday, October 3, 2011
Ashton
The air was whispering through the trees, the rain starting to tinker as it hit the leaves. Ash paced the patterned floor to the woods around the paths that were so familiar. Swirling designs with the toe of her shoe, she waited at the gazebo, wishing away the minutes into the eternal abyss. There were moments like these when she could think without judgement, think without fear, realize the reality sinking the ships of desperate emotion around her.
Winking up at the overcast sky, she sighed out her ancitipation of the coming conversation. This was it. She was going to have to do it. Blinking back the moisture in her eyes, she rubbed the hardening abdomen around her core. Little bundles of joy come in different shapes, sizes, and genders.
Crunching twigs under truck tires woke Ash from her reverie. The engine shut off, releasing a groan from the long hours of travel it had had to endure. Rugged and worn in the elements, Ash watched the love of her life saunter toward her, a defeated smile crooked across his lips. She hesitated, grinning into the doom certain to come. Raising her arms, he nuzzled into her neck, welcoming her warm scent. "You look good. Man, I've missed you." He kissed her forehead, closing his eyes, willing the strenght to come back.
"You didn't have to come. I told you I have things under control here." Wincing, she sniffled back the turmoil inside. This was going to be hard.
"But I Want, to be here. I want to help, and be the one who helps take responsibility."
"Kingsley, have I ever mentioned how stubborn you can be?"
His eyes darkened, "Have I ever told you how ignorant you can be?"
"What are we gonna do first? I'm not leaving. I want to stay here."
"I guess that's where we'll start."
"Ash, honey, you've brushed the same piece of hair about twenty times now. It's not going to get any easier, no matter how long you sit there." Glancing at Ty in the mirror, I moved my brush to another section. My parents were due home anytime, and all I could think about was vomiting. Rubbing my shoulders with his thumbs, he started singing, that signature thing he did when he was trying to lighten the mood. Only this song, was our song. Romance in a dark time. Classic.
Swiveling my stool into his legs, I grabbed his waist. Hugs make everything better. "You smell good."
"Yeah? My new man scent. Courageous Coward. Like it?" How could i not help but smile. He was anthing but.
Pulling him down to my level, I took his hair between my fingers, squaring him right in the eyes. Gravity was pulling into seriousness, seizing the moment. "Whatever happens, whatever is said, I need you to know that I will always, always, Love you. Maybe we've never really said it, for real, but I do, whether you want to hear it or not, and I need you to know, that nothings going to change that. Nothing."
His brows furrowed together, wiping the trailing drops from my eyes. He started out husky, "I...love..you, more than you can possibly comprehend. You can't change it. Tonight won't change it. That, I promise."
Outside, the gravel popped in warning to the oncoming company we were about to have. Sweeping the room with a look, i took Ty's hand, and led him to the slaughter.
Sunday, October 2, 2011
Baby Bump
"There is NO WAY I'm not letting you go to Vivian. That is a perfectly good school that you have worked extrememly hard to get into. You graduated early, did summer school two years in a row!" Shaking my head, I let my mother rant on and on about how she was going to fix this emotional break down I must have been going through. You know, since I wanted to maybe stay home a semester, travel around a little before I was stuck forever into the lifestyle I was supposed to have picked by the time I was a Sophmore. Droll.
Nobody knew, except Tyler, what had happened about two and a quarter months ago. God, even thinking about it made me feel a tad naseous. Observing Mom pace back and forth through the kitchen a few more times, i gulped down the last of my water. So thirsty lately, weird. "Geez, Ashton, why do you have that sweater on again? It's nearly 90 degrees outside." Oh, and cold too.
Flipping back the strands of the fly away frizz that happened to escape my bun, I trudged a beaten path around the living room furniture to the staircase. Whistfully examining my happy surroundings that were the only security I knew, I wondered for an instant how it would feel to be kicked out of them. Whatever. They wouldn't do that to me. Right? They would still love me.
Tyler tried his hardest to put it all into the football program that day. He followed every instruction, kept to himself, did extra reps in the weight room, but nothing could take his mind off of Ashton. "Kingsley! Where you at?" Jerking to attention, he swiveled to watch his teammate stride up to him. "Dude, we went out like 20 minutes ago. You're still sitting here, doing nothing, at the same seat, looking at the same place in the wall. Man, you schitzo?" Bewildered, he gritted out, "Just got a lot on my mind. What's up?"
Flinging every known possession into his duffel, Tyler dialed Ash's number. "Hello?"
"Ash, babe, I'm coming home. I can't do this anymore, I've got to help you fix this. It's not fair."
"Wait, wait, hold on. That's crazy! Stay there, at least until you get that break... That would make more sense. There's nothing you can do right now, Ty. Nothing. It would just complicate things with my parents, and I'm trying to figure out where I'm going to go in a few weeks--"
"Go? What do you mean, you need to figure out where to go? I thought you got into Vivian? You just disappear, not without me."
"I'm not going to disappear. Just, let's just talk about this when you get here, OK? That's only in--"
"No, no, Ash. I'm coming home now. This isn't worth it. I need to be there."
"I gotta go. Call me later, k?"
"On my way."
Nobody knew, except Tyler, what had happened about two and a quarter months ago. God, even thinking about it made me feel a tad naseous. Observing Mom pace back and forth through the kitchen a few more times, i gulped down the last of my water. So thirsty lately, weird. "Geez, Ashton, why do you have that sweater on again? It's nearly 90 degrees outside." Oh, and cold too.
Flipping back the strands of the fly away frizz that happened to escape my bun, I trudged a beaten path around the living room furniture to the staircase. Whistfully examining my happy surroundings that were the only security I knew, I wondered for an instant how it would feel to be kicked out of them. Whatever. They wouldn't do that to me. Right? They would still love me.
Tyler tried his hardest to put it all into the football program that day. He followed every instruction, kept to himself, did extra reps in the weight room, but nothing could take his mind off of Ashton. "Kingsley! Where you at?" Jerking to attention, he swiveled to watch his teammate stride up to him. "Dude, we went out like 20 minutes ago. You're still sitting here, doing nothing, at the same seat, looking at the same place in the wall. Man, you schitzo?" Bewildered, he gritted out, "Just got a lot on my mind. What's up?"
Flinging every known possession into his duffel, Tyler dialed Ash's number. "Hello?"
"Ash, babe, I'm coming home. I can't do this anymore, I've got to help you fix this. It's not fair."
"Wait, wait, hold on. That's crazy! Stay there, at least until you get that break... That would make more sense. There's nothing you can do right now, Ty. Nothing. It would just complicate things with my parents, and I'm trying to figure out where I'm going to go in a few weeks--"
"Go? What do you mean, you need to figure out where to go? I thought you got into Vivian? You just disappear, not without me."
"I'm not going to disappear. Just, let's just talk about this when you get here, OK? That's only in--"
"No, no, Ash. I'm coming home now. This isn't worth it. I need to be there."
"I gotta go. Call me later, k?"
"On my way."
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Ty & Ash
"Walk with me." It wasn't said suggestively. i tumbled out of his side of the truck as he pulled my hand to catch up to his fast pace. Winding through the trees, we came to the small enclosed gazebo just beside the parks edge. Whipping round to face me, he placed his palms upon my cheeks. "Do you love me? Honestly and for real?" I could only shake my head in agreement.
"Will you do something for me?" his eyes were burning with the intensity.
"You know i would. Anything."
Gently, he tugged me closer to his body. I resisted. Tugging gently on the collar of my shirt, he lowered his lips to mine, breathing in the intoxicating exhilation. Tenderly caressing the curves of my shirt, his kisses moved lower. Sharp gasps of air escaped my mouth. i couldn't believe what i was doing. but in the still of my subconscious, i was waiting for that shining magical moment, when i would emerge a woman, and he would never consider leaving me.
2 months later
"oh...my... Crap. Geeze! What. The. Heck. Were. You. Thinking?!!" the tiny little strip turned pink as i held it out before my bewildered eyes. How had this happen? oh, right. i remember.
shrugging off the nausea, i made my way to my bedroom, ready to pick up any large heavy object and take a good swing at something breakable.
"uhhhhhhh.....oh snap." the waves were coming harder now. how was i going to tell him? was i going to tell him? was i going to tell anybody? i left for school in 3 days, and was traveling all the way to Vivian, a whole 30 minutes away. that wouldn't provide enough privacy for anybody. oh my gosh. How am i going to tell Ty?
Glancing at his phone, Ty recovered the one missed call. Flipping through new texts, one in particular caused a peculiar expression to cross the handsome face. dialing the all too familiar number, Ty rubbed at his temples for comfort. Finally a voice was heard on the other line.
"ASHTON! Whats going on? Are you sick? Hurt? Do i need to come home?"
in seconds, the panic melted to a somber numb that washed over his person. dropping to the floor, ty sat back in astonishment. Their lives were over.
"Will you do something for me?" his eyes were burning with the intensity.
"You know i would. Anything."
Gently, he tugged me closer to his body. I resisted. Tugging gently on the collar of my shirt, he lowered his lips to mine, breathing in the intoxicating exhilation. Tenderly caressing the curves of my shirt, his kisses moved lower. Sharp gasps of air escaped my mouth. i couldn't believe what i was doing. but in the still of my subconscious, i was waiting for that shining magical moment, when i would emerge a woman, and he would never consider leaving me.
2 months later
"oh...my... Crap. Geeze! What. The. Heck. Were. You. Thinking?!!" the tiny little strip turned pink as i held it out before my bewildered eyes. How had this happen? oh, right. i remember.
shrugging off the nausea, i made my way to my bedroom, ready to pick up any large heavy object and take a good swing at something breakable.
"uhhhhhhh.....oh snap." the waves were coming harder now. how was i going to tell him? was i going to tell him? was i going to tell anybody? i left for school in 3 days, and was traveling all the way to Vivian, a whole 30 minutes away. that wouldn't provide enough privacy for anybody. oh my gosh. How am i going to tell Ty?
Glancing at his phone, Ty recovered the one missed call. Flipping through new texts, one in particular caused a peculiar expression to cross the handsome face. dialing the all too familiar number, Ty rubbed at his temples for comfort. Finally a voice was heard on the other line.
"ASHTON! Whats going on? Are you sick? Hurt? Do i need to come home?"
in seconds, the panic melted to a somber numb that washed over his person. dropping to the floor, ty sat back in astonishment. Their lives were over.
Monday, August 1, 2011
Ty & Ash
I couldn't really help the emotions coursing through my body. Love lost is love won, but Ty was my whole world. Without him there was nothing left for me to do. I could go to school and really buckle down into a career, yet there was still that haunting feeling that everything was going to change for the worse, and that was something i couldn't bear facing.
Ticking off the last hours of summer pierced my body with agony. Burning behind my eyelids were the tears of remorse. Days and weeks of the calendar flickered through the air, tangible with tantric scenes seared into the ridges of my mind. Clutching the sides of my chest, I waited for him to pull the truck around to the front door. Melodramatic as it was, tonight was our last dinner, detailed by the stiff silence. Everything had been uncomfortable. Neither of us had barely uttered a word, nor looked at each other. Of course in the backs of our minds, it was completely ridiculous, we would obviously be seeing each other. Finality just must have that effect on people.
Rumbling to attention, the cherry red auto was waiting for me to come inside. Little mournful drops of woe started sprinkling from the sky, sort of an omen capturing the moment. He pulled around to our spot in the grove. In the dark, i could feel his eyes searching out my face, his thumb running worried circles onto the back of my hand and fingers. "What have you been hiding from me all night?" he whispered over the rain.
i shook my head. speaking was only going to force the tears.
Slowly pulling me to his side of the car, he wrapped his well formed arms around the shudders that were threatening to compel the sobs just caught in my throat. "Shhh... Baby, it's all gonna be OK! I promise. Don't be so upset. We'll make this work."
I batted my wet eyelashes up at him. "I love you." Blinking a few times up at the ceiling, one glimmering tear shone in the moonlight, emotions unknown surging like electricity.
Ticking off the last hours of summer pierced my body with agony. Burning behind my eyelids were the tears of remorse. Days and weeks of the calendar flickered through the air, tangible with tantric scenes seared into the ridges of my mind. Clutching the sides of my chest, I waited for him to pull the truck around to the front door. Melodramatic as it was, tonight was our last dinner, detailed by the stiff silence. Everything had been uncomfortable. Neither of us had barely uttered a word, nor looked at each other. Of course in the backs of our minds, it was completely ridiculous, we would obviously be seeing each other. Finality just must have that effect on people.
Rumbling to attention, the cherry red auto was waiting for me to come inside. Little mournful drops of woe started sprinkling from the sky, sort of an omen capturing the moment. He pulled around to our spot in the grove. In the dark, i could feel his eyes searching out my face, his thumb running worried circles onto the back of my hand and fingers. "What have you been hiding from me all night?" he whispered over the rain.
i shook my head. speaking was only going to force the tears.
Slowly pulling me to his side of the car, he wrapped his well formed arms around the shudders that were threatening to compel the sobs just caught in my throat. "Shhh... Baby, it's all gonna be OK! I promise. Don't be so upset. We'll make this work."
I batted my wet eyelashes up at him. "I love you." Blinking a few times up at the ceiling, one glimmering tear shone in the moonlight, emotions unknown surging like electricity.
Monday, April 18, 2011
What Would Have Happened Pt. 1 contd.
(Listen to Crazy, Katie Herzig)
Our final school semester for the year was almost over. Maddening hours spent the last few weeks before graduation had put Tyler into a frenzy. I couldn't seem to keep him focused for anything. We spent every free hour together, either playing volleyball, studying, or just sitting out underneath the stars, listening to the beautiful silence. In a way, I almost felt like he was distancing himself. There was something just under the surface that he was determined not to tell me, straining across the wordless gap surrounding us.
Tyler bounded down the hallway, trying to gauge Ash's local. "Hey, we need to talk."
Timidly, she brushed her finger on his chest, her mind raced to conclude the unknown. "What's going on?" Hesitation filtered out the fear.
"Nothing. I just need to ask you something."
Tiptoeing to the end of the hallway, Ash slipped through the screen door on her back porch. She could view Tyler's truck in the shadows of the street, his engine lightly humming.
Applying light pressure, she eased the door to close. Sweeping her gaze over him, she managed to make out the twinkles behind his dimmed expression. "You don't look too happy."
He shrugged. "I guess I'm not."
"Want to talk about it now?"
"There's not much to really say. But I need to know what you think, first."
The silence spoke for her, revealing too little.
He cleared his throat. "I got accepted to UA on a football scholarship. I thought it was going to be a long shot, but they want me. I be gone for awhile, but its soon enough that i won't get to see you for much longer. They start practicing toward the end of next month. I want to know how you feel about this. I mean, you're gonna be here, and i'll be down there. It's about 7 hours away. I just don't know how...."
"How we would make it that far apart?"
"Yeah."
"I guess we'll find out. But honestly, i think it's awesome you got accepted. That's been you and your dad's thing now for..ages. I feel like the world would have gone out of alignment if you hadn't gotten accepted there."
"You really mean it? Are you really, REALLY, happy? Or are you just saying this to make me happy?"
Batting proud lashes at him, she curled into his side. "Now tell me, how many girls can say that their boyfriend is gonna be the star football player for 'Bama?! Not many! Of course I'm excited, baby."
And I really was. I wanted what was best for him. For him to have everything, and for nothing to be out of his reach was all that mattered. In the back of my mind, the sense of loss had already started registering, but I pushed it away, hoping it would go away with time.
Tyler had made his salutatorian's speech flawlessly, laughter peeling through the gyms auditorium at the right moments, tears accompanying his brief reminisces. Barbeque was eaten, cake was split, and overall jovialty was shared over Tyler's acceptance. Sitting back, Ash day dreamed, adoring the love of her life from a distance, watching him interact with the different members from his class and family.
Our final school semester for the year was almost over. Maddening hours spent the last few weeks before graduation had put Tyler into a frenzy. I couldn't seem to keep him focused for anything. We spent every free hour together, either playing volleyball, studying, or just sitting out underneath the stars, listening to the beautiful silence. In a way, I almost felt like he was distancing himself. There was something just under the surface that he was determined not to tell me, straining across the wordless gap surrounding us.
Tyler bounded down the hallway, trying to gauge Ash's local. "Hey, we need to talk."
Timidly, she brushed her finger on his chest, her mind raced to conclude the unknown. "What's going on?" Hesitation filtered out the fear.
"Nothing. I just need to ask you something."
Tiptoeing to the end of the hallway, Ash slipped through the screen door on her back porch. She could view Tyler's truck in the shadows of the street, his engine lightly humming.
Applying light pressure, she eased the door to close. Sweeping her gaze over him, she managed to make out the twinkles behind his dimmed expression. "You don't look too happy."
He shrugged. "I guess I'm not."
"Want to talk about it now?"
"There's not much to really say. But I need to know what you think, first."
The silence spoke for her, revealing too little.
He cleared his throat. "I got accepted to UA on a football scholarship. I thought it was going to be a long shot, but they want me. I be gone for awhile, but its soon enough that i won't get to see you for much longer. They start practicing toward the end of next month. I want to know how you feel about this. I mean, you're gonna be here, and i'll be down there. It's about 7 hours away. I just don't know how...."
"How we would make it that far apart?"
"Yeah."
"I guess we'll find out. But honestly, i think it's awesome you got accepted. That's been you and your dad's thing now for..ages. I feel like the world would have gone out of alignment if you hadn't gotten accepted there."
"You really mean it? Are you really, REALLY, happy? Or are you just saying this to make me happy?"
Batting proud lashes at him, she curled into his side. "Now tell me, how many girls can say that their boyfriend is gonna be the star football player for 'Bama?! Not many! Of course I'm excited, baby."
And I really was. I wanted what was best for him. For him to have everything, and for nothing to be out of his reach was all that mattered. In the back of my mind, the sense of loss had already started registering, but I pushed it away, hoping it would go away with time.
Tyler had made his salutatorian's speech flawlessly, laughter peeling through the gyms auditorium at the right moments, tears accompanying his brief reminisces. Barbeque was eaten, cake was split, and overall jovialty was shared over Tyler's acceptance. Sitting back, Ash day dreamed, adoring the love of her life from a distance, watching him interact with the different members from his class and family.
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
What Could have Happened pt. 1 contd.
"Pssst! Hey! Let me see your notes."
Startled, Ash swiveled the direction of the voice. "What?"
Fair blue eyes pierced hers. "Let me see your notes," Ty recanted with an upturned lip.
Timidly passing them, she was thankful she had managed not to scribble Ty's name all over the page's edge. He caught her eye again to hand the sheets back. "Thanks," he whispered, wiggling his eyebrows.
Ducking her head, she tried to copy down all the babble concerning the appropriate uses of the adverbial clause.
To Ash's dismay, she heard another hiss being whispered from Ty's desk. A small folded gum wrapper tumbled onto her lap. Gingerly inspecting the material, she followed the imperative command of "Open Me." Peeling the corners apart, the words she read caught her breath.
"Your eyes get sparkly when you do that."
Chancing a peek at her tormentor, what she saw knocked all sense out of the day. Darkened sapphire eyes boring right into her own chocolate brown ones told all too much about how Ty was feeling at the moment. Scared, she quickly diverted her thoughts.
It took everything in her to breath after that.
Days lumped into weeks as time passed, and steadily the new relationship grew from its flirtatious banter to something else entirely. Deep down, Ashton could feel the new intimacy building between Tyler and herself. Time spent away from him was spent daydreaming of their future, and often she was shocked by the intensity of her own emotions. Something had transpired, and it was binding him forever into the corridors of her innocent heart.
What used to be her locker before her now took on the distinction of a pair of hands, darkening her vision. A slow smile crinkled against her soft features.
"Guess who?" The laughter in his voice was barely in check.
"Hmm. Let me guess. Do yiou have honey colored curls?"
Low chuckles rumbled from his chest. "Well, some do call them my golden locks."
"Do you have blue eyes?"
"That's actually dependent on the day. Right now i think they're a little gray."
"Are you hilariously funny with very odd talents?"
"Do you think you could ask anymore questions? I'm not vegetable, mineral, or anything else off of your list of 20 questions. Just say it, good lord." Tyler bit back a laugh. She was cute. Definitely cute.
"Lemme see.. Could it be Tyler? 'Cause he's the only one i know who could fit all those requirements." Quivering with laughter, her mouth was suddenly caught up with his. The sensation he gave her never grew old with every touch pulsing pleasure through her veins.
"Did you notice your ends were purple?" Ringlets curled around his fingertips.
"What?" She gasped, snatching her colored flaxen waves from his grasp. "When did this happen?"
"Last period when i got bored. It just looked so tempting. Your hair looks really pretty like this... and i just wanted to touch it."
There was that feeling again. I couldn't help it. Everything he did made me love him more. He did silly things like that all the time, and somehow i knew deep down inside he was right for me. He was perfect in my eyes, and at the time i believed he was my Prince Charming.
You know, he would even catch me unaware sometimes, when i really wasn't paying attention, and would lean over and sing sweet songs in my ear. It didn't matter the moment, or what i was doing, what i had on-- he always had a song for me.
Lazily dreaming away the minutes at the picnic tables outside school was where Tyler found Ashton. Sifting her wheat curls through his fingers, he watched the fine tendrils dance in the breeze. A secret smile twisted his lips. It was the smile used only in his most vulnerable of moments: the one he used whenever Ashton crossed his mind. Gently brushing her hair away from the slope of her neck, he softly hummed the bars of her favorite song against her ear.
Lowering her lashes, she memorized the moment, content to stay in that spot for eternity. It was perfect in all of its elements.
There was something to the trust they shared. It was being able to be moldable together. It was trust in the other to be the strength one needed to have for the confidence they both possessed. As lovely as the moment happened, however, Ashton couldn't help but ask herself just what Tyler felt. She knew, even in the smallest of instances, that she loved him. Never had she confessed it, but never had he given any verbal inclination that he might be one to love her.
Yes. She felt his love. Saw his love in his actions. Felt his love in the attraction he spoke of to her. But did he feel it too?
Exams were coming up. The pressure for high grades mounted. Exhausted due to absolutely no sleep, Ashton let her head fall onto her locker. Something rattled from within the metal casing. Frowning, she lifted the latch to pry the door open.
The sight astounded her. Taped to every tangible surface revealed a note of somekind from Ty. Song lyrics he made habit to sing, and descriptive memoirs of the times they had shared. Even details from the Christmas party they had attended. Blurred vision gave way to tears. Joy emitted from her core. That was what it really felt like. An explosion, perhaps, of tiny sun shine rays and beams bouncing off every corner.
Eyes brimming, she sought him out in the small, gathering crowd. There he stood, eyes holding a new intensity. His orbs dark with a fierceness she'd never witnessed before.
She stared up at him. That moment would seal their roles forever.
I thought he was going to. Hoped he would have. Right there in front of everybody. But he didn't. At the perfect second in time - when that ethereal moment passed and I felt eternity sucker punch me in the stomach - someone called his name. Just like a bad chick flick.
Our gazes were still locked, but slowly he pulled back, and faced the direction of the name sayer. Clearing his throat, Ty answered her. All in the same instant I knew love and hatred as potentedly placed on the appropriate heads.
Life went on as normal. In some ways we were bound by an unspoken word. Something had happened. Just neither of us knew what. But i felt it was coming to a close before i was ready for it to even begin. Unfortunately, the close was coming faster than i had hoped.
Startled, Ash swiveled the direction of the voice. "What?"
Fair blue eyes pierced hers. "Let me see your notes," Ty recanted with an upturned lip.
Timidly passing them, she was thankful she had managed not to scribble Ty's name all over the page's edge. He caught her eye again to hand the sheets back. "Thanks," he whispered, wiggling his eyebrows.
Ducking her head, she tried to copy down all the babble concerning the appropriate uses of the adverbial clause.
To Ash's dismay, she heard another hiss being whispered from Ty's desk. A small folded gum wrapper tumbled onto her lap. Gingerly inspecting the material, she followed the imperative command of "Open Me." Peeling the corners apart, the words she read caught her breath.
"Your eyes get sparkly when you do that."
Chancing a peek at her tormentor, what she saw knocked all sense out of the day. Darkened sapphire eyes boring right into her own chocolate brown ones told all too much about how Ty was feeling at the moment. Scared, she quickly diverted her thoughts.
It took everything in her to breath after that.
Days lumped into weeks as time passed, and steadily the new relationship grew from its flirtatious banter to something else entirely. Deep down, Ashton could feel the new intimacy building between Tyler and herself. Time spent away from him was spent daydreaming of their future, and often she was shocked by the intensity of her own emotions. Something had transpired, and it was binding him forever into the corridors of her innocent heart.
What used to be her locker before her now took on the distinction of a pair of hands, darkening her vision. A slow smile crinkled against her soft features.
"Guess who?" The laughter in his voice was barely in check.
"Hmm. Let me guess. Do yiou have honey colored curls?"
Low chuckles rumbled from his chest. "Well, some do call them my golden locks."
"Do you have blue eyes?"
"That's actually dependent on the day. Right now i think they're a little gray."
"Are you hilariously funny with very odd talents?"
"Do you think you could ask anymore questions? I'm not vegetable, mineral, or anything else off of your list of 20 questions. Just say it, good lord." Tyler bit back a laugh. She was cute. Definitely cute.
"Lemme see.. Could it be Tyler? 'Cause he's the only one i know who could fit all those requirements." Quivering with laughter, her mouth was suddenly caught up with his. The sensation he gave her never grew old with every touch pulsing pleasure through her veins.
"Did you notice your ends were purple?" Ringlets curled around his fingertips.
"What?" She gasped, snatching her colored flaxen waves from his grasp. "When did this happen?"
"Last period when i got bored. It just looked so tempting. Your hair looks really pretty like this... and i just wanted to touch it."
There was that feeling again. I couldn't help it. Everything he did made me love him more. He did silly things like that all the time, and somehow i knew deep down inside he was right for me. He was perfect in my eyes, and at the time i believed he was my Prince Charming.
You know, he would even catch me unaware sometimes, when i really wasn't paying attention, and would lean over and sing sweet songs in my ear. It didn't matter the moment, or what i was doing, what i had on-- he always had a song for me.
Lazily dreaming away the minutes at the picnic tables outside school was where Tyler found Ashton. Sifting her wheat curls through his fingers, he watched the fine tendrils dance in the breeze. A secret smile twisted his lips. It was the smile used only in his most vulnerable of moments: the one he used whenever Ashton crossed his mind. Gently brushing her hair away from the slope of her neck, he softly hummed the bars of her favorite song against her ear.
Lowering her lashes, she memorized the moment, content to stay in that spot for eternity. It was perfect in all of its elements.
There was something to the trust they shared. It was being able to be moldable together. It was trust in the other to be the strength one needed to have for the confidence they both possessed. As lovely as the moment happened, however, Ashton couldn't help but ask herself just what Tyler felt. She knew, even in the smallest of instances, that she loved him. Never had she confessed it, but never had he given any verbal inclination that he might be one to love her.
Yes. She felt his love. Saw his love in his actions. Felt his love in the attraction he spoke of to her. But did he feel it too?
Exams were coming up. The pressure for high grades mounted. Exhausted due to absolutely no sleep, Ashton let her head fall onto her locker. Something rattled from within the metal casing. Frowning, she lifted the latch to pry the door open.
The sight astounded her. Taped to every tangible surface revealed a note of somekind from Ty. Song lyrics he made habit to sing, and descriptive memoirs of the times they had shared. Even details from the Christmas party they had attended. Blurred vision gave way to tears. Joy emitted from her core. That was what it really felt like. An explosion, perhaps, of tiny sun shine rays and beams bouncing off every corner.
Eyes brimming, she sought him out in the small, gathering crowd. There he stood, eyes holding a new intensity. His orbs dark with a fierceness she'd never witnessed before.
She stared up at him. That moment would seal their roles forever.
I thought he was going to. Hoped he would have. Right there in front of everybody. But he didn't. At the perfect second in time - when that ethereal moment passed and I felt eternity sucker punch me in the stomach - someone called his name. Just like a bad chick flick.
Our gazes were still locked, but slowly he pulled back, and faced the direction of the name sayer. Clearing his throat, Ty answered her. All in the same instant I knew love and hatred as potentedly placed on the appropriate heads.
Life went on as normal. In some ways we were bound by an unspoken word. Something had happened. Just neither of us knew what. But i felt it was coming to a close before i was ready for it to even begin. Unfortunately, the close was coming faster than i had hoped.
What Could Have Happened pt. 1
Prologue
"Do you love me?" He pulled her close.
"Silly boy, you know that I do." Her face belied the nervous flutter of her heart.
"Would you do something for me?" He continued to draw her towards him.
"You know I would do anything for you."
"You know what I want."
She stopped. "I don't know if i could do that."
"But i'm leaving in two days! I won't be back for a while. Don't you want to make this special for me? Something i'll never forget?"
"Of course I do, I just--"
"Come on! Just this once. Please?"
She started to protest, but he kissed her, stopping all refusals in her throat.
He pulled her all the way to him. He kissed her again.
She didn't walk away.
Part One.
"Ashton Harvey! Wait up there, Princess!"
The April sun came out from the clouds, chasing some fo the left-over chill away. Ash peered over the rims of her sunglasses at the three male classmates scrambling into her car.
"What do you think you're doing?" Scowling at the ringleader, she tried to stop the grin breaking across her berry lips.
"We're just trying to catch a ride on the A-train! What else?"
Giggles escaped as loud whoops came from the back seat.
"All right, all right. Where to, boys?"
OK. Pause. This is where i interrupt to narrate my story. That was the first day that Tyler, the ringleader, had ever paid any real attention to me. Sure, we had the casual greeting in the hallway, but it was nothing more spectacular than that. Absolutely nothing worth cataloguing in the "Top-Ten-High School- Sweethearts" section of the yearbook.
Of course, I was flattered. He was Tyler Kingsley, star football player, teacher's pet, and voted 'Most Likely to Succeed' by his Senior class. I, on the other hand, was the dubbed brainiac who had never been on a date throughout her entire hig school experience.It's not that I was ugly. I wasn't. I just had tendencies to make things... awkward.
It was the first day of Spring break, and i was headed home from my first gallavant day on the town with my school posse. He had seen me leaving the Cafe downtown, and had caught me at the red light in the Town Square.
Flattered, i was willing to do anything for the attention. 'Anything' that night didn't turn out to be too extravagant. We dtopped his friends off and went to the local bike park. Chatting for a bit, we eventually ran into some of his friends where he made a quick goodbye. There was nothing for me to do but go home.
"Hello?" Rubbing sleep from her eyes, the phone finally made it to her ear.
"Hey, Ash. Tyler here. What're you doing?
Searching in vain for a light switch, she mumbled, "Uhm, I was sleeping. But now i'm talking to you."
"I feel special, you waking up to talk to me. Say, uh, sorry to have left you like that in the park. I twas just..you know.."
"Really, it's ok. I understand." Tingling bursts of crimson carressed her cheeks. "Maybe another time."
"Another time. Yeah, sounds good. Night Ashton." Click.
"OK class, what we have in your glasses is the..."
"So he really called you?" Ashton's best friend Lana speculated.
"Yes. Do you want to check my call log?"
"No. It's just weird." Tossing lenghty tawny curls over her shoulder, she turned her attention to her notes.
"I know." Pressing against the lab table, she mulled over the glass contents compared to her in-class notes. Something wasn't adding up..
Wait, what was on her cheek? Slowly moving the back of her hand against the flesh of her cheek, she pulled her hand away from the wet that had been indadvertently placed there.
"Oh my gosh! What was that?" Frantically tipping her head to the side she managed to wipe all the contents from her face. "What the heck--" Flit!
Droplets of water flicked into her ear, gaining a severe head shake to escape the feeling.
"Ha! Sorry Ash, but you should have seen the look that just took over your face. It was awesome!" The handsome Tyler doubled over in hysterical laughter. "Really, it was amazing!"
Something was softly starting to pull at the gentle strings of her delicate heart. Trying to dispel any blush from her face, she smoothed the remaining water plops from her face. Maybe he was starting to like her.
Hi. Me again. Ok, so, seriously, ar this point I had already decided that i was going to have a crush on Tyler, whether he ever acknowledged me or not. And i had convinced myself that he liked me at least a little bit. I mean, why else would he have acted like this? Not many girls were the object of his playful, flirty behavior. I didn't know or even really care. I wanted whatever he had to give me in whatever form it happened to come in.
I thought it might be good to mention that even though Ty was a Senior and I was a Junior, we had almost all of the same classes. We attended a progressive program school which thought it was better to mix the learning groups in a rotation of classes to further diversity among minds. So as you can imagine, i was left quite often to do nothing but stare at the back of the head that had captured the immediate attention of my loves interest. Pathetic? Why, yes, but the true story.
"Do you love me?" He pulled her close.
"Silly boy, you know that I do." Her face belied the nervous flutter of her heart.
"Would you do something for me?" He continued to draw her towards him.
"You know I would do anything for you."
"You know what I want."
She stopped. "I don't know if i could do that."
"But i'm leaving in two days! I won't be back for a while. Don't you want to make this special for me? Something i'll never forget?"
"Of course I do, I just--"
"Come on! Just this once. Please?"
She started to protest, but he kissed her, stopping all refusals in her throat.
He pulled her all the way to him. He kissed her again.
She didn't walk away.
Part One.
"Ashton Harvey! Wait up there, Princess!"
The April sun came out from the clouds, chasing some fo the left-over chill away. Ash peered over the rims of her sunglasses at the three male classmates scrambling into her car.
"What do you think you're doing?" Scowling at the ringleader, she tried to stop the grin breaking across her berry lips.
"We're just trying to catch a ride on the A-train! What else?"
Giggles escaped as loud whoops came from the back seat.
"All right, all right. Where to, boys?"
OK. Pause. This is where i interrupt to narrate my story. That was the first day that Tyler, the ringleader, had ever paid any real attention to me. Sure, we had the casual greeting in the hallway, but it was nothing more spectacular than that. Absolutely nothing worth cataloguing in the "Top-Ten-High School- Sweethearts" section of the yearbook.
Of course, I was flattered. He was Tyler Kingsley, star football player, teacher's pet, and voted 'Most Likely to Succeed' by his Senior class. I, on the other hand, was the dubbed brainiac who had never been on a date throughout her entire hig school experience.It's not that I was ugly. I wasn't. I just had tendencies to make things... awkward.
It was the first day of Spring break, and i was headed home from my first gallavant day on the town with my school posse. He had seen me leaving the Cafe downtown, and had caught me at the red light in the Town Square.
Flattered, i was willing to do anything for the attention. 'Anything' that night didn't turn out to be too extravagant. We dtopped his friends off and went to the local bike park. Chatting for a bit, we eventually ran into some of his friends where he made a quick goodbye. There was nothing for me to do but go home.
"Hello?" Rubbing sleep from her eyes, the phone finally made it to her ear.
"Hey, Ash. Tyler here. What're you doing?
Searching in vain for a light switch, she mumbled, "Uhm, I was sleeping. But now i'm talking to you."
"I feel special, you waking up to talk to me. Say, uh, sorry to have left you like that in the park. I twas just..you know.."
"Really, it's ok. I understand." Tingling bursts of crimson carressed her cheeks. "Maybe another time."
"Another time. Yeah, sounds good. Night Ashton." Click.
"OK class, what we have in your glasses is the..."
"So he really called you?" Ashton's best friend Lana speculated.
"Yes. Do you want to check my call log?"
"No. It's just weird." Tossing lenghty tawny curls over her shoulder, she turned her attention to her notes.
"I know." Pressing against the lab table, she mulled over the glass contents compared to her in-class notes. Something wasn't adding up..
Wait, what was on her cheek? Slowly moving the back of her hand against the flesh of her cheek, she pulled her hand away from the wet that had been indadvertently placed there.
"Oh my gosh! What was that?" Frantically tipping her head to the side she managed to wipe all the contents from her face. "What the heck--" Flit!
Droplets of water flicked into her ear, gaining a severe head shake to escape the feeling.
"Ha! Sorry Ash, but you should have seen the look that just took over your face. It was awesome!" The handsome Tyler doubled over in hysterical laughter. "Really, it was amazing!"
Something was softly starting to pull at the gentle strings of her delicate heart. Trying to dispel any blush from her face, she smoothed the remaining water plops from her face. Maybe he was starting to like her.
Hi. Me again. Ok, so, seriously, ar this point I had already decided that i was going to have a crush on Tyler, whether he ever acknowledged me or not. And i had convinced myself that he liked me at least a little bit. I mean, why else would he have acted like this? Not many girls were the object of his playful, flirty behavior. I didn't know or even really care. I wanted whatever he had to give me in whatever form it happened to come in.
I thought it might be good to mention that even though Ty was a Senior and I was a Junior, we had almost all of the same classes. We attended a progressive program school which thought it was better to mix the learning groups in a rotation of classes to further diversity among minds. So as you can imagine, i was left quite often to do nothing but stare at the back of the head that had captured the immediate attention of my loves interest. Pathetic? Why, yes, but the true story.
Monday, February 21, 2011
Saturday, February 19, 2011
Series of the Fortunate
it's easier to hope for that perfect person to come along, than it is to realize that the one you're meant to be with may be the reason you're carrying around so much baggage already.
it's easier to deal with the fantasy than it is with the present state of reality.
you've already written them off.
you've already talked yourself out of the intial feelings.
and all the heartstrings that were pulled you've gently twisted back into place.
you ran up, so excited to see them, threw your arms around them and whispered 'i love you' oh so gently against their neck..
then shrink back into that shell of protectiveness. the wall you've been trying to pull down suddenly gets slammed with mortar and brick chips as you scurry to scrape all the support back into place.
you talk yourself out of any feeling.
it doesn't matter.
they are plenty of others out there just like him.
then you slowly talk yourself into hating them, for hate is easier to accomplish than love.
why? because....
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
it's unconditional.
and thats what we have a problem with.
it's not us being hurt.
or self preservationalism.
its the inability to cope with faults that you find present in the potential relationship.
its how we react to the knowledge of imperfection.
its how we just realized,
that we do miss that one person we found so imperfect.
its how we remember-
staying up late and all those discussions,
and then falling asleep to the sound of the other persons breathing.
its how we could count the eyelashes on their perfect lids and never grow tired of it,
because somehow you found it worthwhile.
it's wanting to reach out,
and think maybe there are such things as soul mates.
and maybe love does exist outside of Cindereslla's fairytale.
but who knows.
maybe there could be a revolution.
and we could witness the new series of fortunate events.
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Jeremiah 33 When Deliverance Isn't an Option
Jeremiah 33 will change your life. Go read it.
There is a place in the life of every individual where they feel like they have slipped too far away from God.
There's a place, so secluded, and dark, and hopeless, where you feel like giving up, and never coming back to face the world again. The place where life no longer seems like it worth living..
There's a time where we wonder, and cry out, screaming, God! What did I do wrong? I've repented. I've followed your plan to the best of my ability. I don't understand why I can't feel you anymore. I don't understand why i'm having to face this, deal with this, put up with this. I've asked to be delivered. I've confessed, I've laid my burden down before You like You asked.. and then i wake up to find it haunting me again.
-I once was in a Youth Retreat, in March of 2008, in a state of total rebellion. Sitting through the first service, I was more worried about what I had on rather than the message going forth. In the room, I was the one who turned on Lady Gaga, I was the one who caused all the trouble. There was nothing you could say to me to make me feel any less repentant, no look you could turn my direction to make me hang my head in shame. The next morning wasn't much different. Worship service was a joke to me. Any ministering that may have gone forth was lost on me. Approaching the stand, the special speaker came before us with a heavy heart, wanting so desperately to convey the sermon pressed upon his heart for us--for me.
Scoffing, i sat back. Watching all the "religious suckers" around me immediately turn attentive. "What a bunch of hypocrites" was all i could think.
As the message developed, the more interested i became. He was speaking of the next generation of Pentecostals to come. Words that he spoke were stabbing my soul, I could barely keep the tears at bay. Burden upon burden was pushed down onto my heart, and i knew somehow that he was talking directly to me. I had to respond. When the altar call was given, i ran to the front, wanting to be in the presence of God again.. but it wasn't the right time. My heart still wasn't in the right place, and i was still shutting Him out. Tears came, but i still felt so empty inside. There was a longing with no answer, and i couldn't understand it.
I thought i was ready to come back, but i didn't understand that there was still more for me to experience in this life that would take me to a place i never wanted to go.. but i had to experience it to accomplish His ministry as a carrier in the future.
I was still backslidden, and you may be in the same place today, where you can't understand why you can't feel Him, where you think you've gone wrong too many times for Him to forgive you. But go back to that day where He planted that dream inside of you. Go back to that time where you couldn't express anything but love for Him as He slowly revealed bits and pieces of His plan to you, when you couldn't even understand it.
I thought that i had wronged Him too many times, that He would never hear me again. But His timing is perfect. I would cry out to be delivered, and i began to think that Deliverance was no longer an option. I had to live with the choices i had made.
But He would quietly whisper to me the dreams He had placed in my heart.
He says in His word, "Call to me and I will answer you and show you great and mighty things, fenced in and hidden, which you do not know (do not distinguish and recognize, have knowledge of an understand)." (Jeremiah 33:3, Amp.)
(Jeremiah 33:3-11)
The tribe of Judah didn't understand why they were having to go through the attacks they were facing, but God said, I have it all under control. I will speak to you things you don't understand yet, to give you hope.
(vs 6) You may have to go through a lot. You may have to be beated up and tried, but He promises His healing in the end. His ultimate cure for your heart, His peace. He knows you're going to fail, but he says "I'll forgive you. You may have rebelled against me, but now you understand why. You may have felt distant from me, but I was looking out for you. You may not have understood, but you do now. I have enough grace to cover everything you've ever done. I don't want your guilt, I'll clease you from it. I want to restore your joy, your peace. I want to provide for you now."
It's all for His ultimate plan. Do we understand? Only after He reveals it to you.
He's calling out for you to come. Just come and lay it before Him. He'll take care of you. He wants your heart, your willingness to go through what you have to go through, and when you feel like giving up, run to Him. Just place it before Him, saying I don't understand. I don't know why I have to feel like this. But God, if it's for your plan, for your will, then God, I'm willing to do it. To go through it. Shape me through it.
I'm willing to run to you, I will run, Forever i will run, unto You oh God, where else can i go? Forever i will run.
There is a place in the life of every individual where they feel like they have slipped too far away from God.
There's a place, so secluded, and dark, and hopeless, where you feel like giving up, and never coming back to face the world again. The place where life no longer seems like it worth living..
There's a time where we wonder, and cry out, screaming, God! What did I do wrong? I've repented. I've followed your plan to the best of my ability. I don't understand why I can't feel you anymore. I don't understand why i'm having to face this, deal with this, put up with this. I've asked to be delivered. I've confessed, I've laid my burden down before You like You asked.. and then i wake up to find it haunting me again.
-I once was in a Youth Retreat, in March of 2008, in a state of total rebellion. Sitting through the first service, I was more worried about what I had on rather than the message going forth. In the room, I was the one who turned on Lady Gaga, I was the one who caused all the trouble. There was nothing you could say to me to make me feel any less repentant, no look you could turn my direction to make me hang my head in shame. The next morning wasn't much different. Worship service was a joke to me. Any ministering that may have gone forth was lost on me. Approaching the stand, the special speaker came before us with a heavy heart, wanting so desperately to convey the sermon pressed upon his heart for us--for me.
Scoffing, i sat back. Watching all the "religious suckers" around me immediately turn attentive. "What a bunch of hypocrites" was all i could think.
As the message developed, the more interested i became. He was speaking of the next generation of Pentecostals to come. Words that he spoke were stabbing my soul, I could barely keep the tears at bay. Burden upon burden was pushed down onto my heart, and i knew somehow that he was talking directly to me. I had to respond. When the altar call was given, i ran to the front, wanting to be in the presence of God again.. but it wasn't the right time. My heart still wasn't in the right place, and i was still shutting Him out. Tears came, but i still felt so empty inside. There was a longing with no answer, and i couldn't understand it.
I thought i was ready to come back, but i didn't understand that there was still more for me to experience in this life that would take me to a place i never wanted to go.. but i had to experience it to accomplish His ministry as a carrier in the future.
I was still backslidden, and you may be in the same place today, where you can't understand why you can't feel Him, where you think you've gone wrong too many times for Him to forgive you. But go back to that day where He planted that dream inside of you. Go back to that time where you couldn't express anything but love for Him as He slowly revealed bits and pieces of His plan to you, when you couldn't even understand it.
I thought that i had wronged Him too many times, that He would never hear me again. But His timing is perfect. I would cry out to be delivered, and i began to think that Deliverance was no longer an option. I had to live with the choices i had made.
But He would quietly whisper to me the dreams He had placed in my heart.
He says in His word, "Call to me and I will answer you and show you great and mighty things, fenced in and hidden, which you do not know (do not distinguish and recognize, have knowledge of an understand)." (Jeremiah 33:3, Amp.)
(Jeremiah 33:3-11)
The tribe of Judah didn't understand why they were having to go through the attacks they were facing, but God said, I have it all under control. I will speak to you things you don't understand yet, to give you hope.
(vs 6) You may have to go through a lot. You may have to be beated up and tried, but He promises His healing in the end. His ultimate cure for your heart, His peace. He knows you're going to fail, but he says "I'll forgive you. You may have rebelled against me, but now you understand why. You may have felt distant from me, but I was looking out for you. You may not have understood, but you do now. I have enough grace to cover everything you've ever done. I don't want your guilt, I'll clease you from it. I want to restore your joy, your peace. I want to provide for you now."
It's all for His ultimate plan. Do we understand? Only after He reveals it to you.
He's calling out for you to come. Just come and lay it before Him. He'll take care of you. He wants your heart, your willingness to go through what you have to go through, and when you feel like giving up, run to Him. Just place it before Him, saying I don't understand. I don't know why I have to feel like this. But God, if it's for your plan, for your will, then God, I'm willing to do it. To go through it. Shape me through it.
I'm willing to run to you, I will run, Forever i will run, unto You oh God, where else can i go? Forever i will run.
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Rainboots and Sandwiches
mood: replaced
song: silence
location: smelly dorm
there's a time and place where you have to fight back the feelings of replacement. there's a time when you have to stare at the face in the mirror and remind yourself that all things are temporary, new things happen all the time.
for the most part, i wish i could fly away on the breezes of whispers.. sung by the angel choir, directed by the effluent.
there's a longing, a desire, a passion. but i feel replaced.
i don't feel used right now.
i don't have a true sense of belonging to the whole.
disconnected.
....replaced.
at home, i had somewhat of a job to fulfill here, its all studying--granted that what i came all the way up here to do, but in the end, i want a job that means something.
My Aunt, the lady i look up to most in this world (other than my mom, of course) has found a new friend, a new helper, a funny girl thats cooler than i am. and it stings a little. i knew i'd never be her favorite, so i need to just get over it and move on.
life's changing.. and i don't know how to handle it right now. at least my mom hasn't gotten a new friend she confides in. thank God. i'd cry my eyes out.
i still fight those feelings of never being good enough.
i know i'll always struggle with them. some days are easier than others, and its the positive days i look forward to.
i never practiced enough. i was never a good enough singer. he told me i should stick to piano, though it was somewhat passionless, for singers are too many to count.
i was never pretty enough, never thin enough, never lady like enough. she told me i could do better. take better care of myself. whiten my teeth more often.
they told me i wasn't apostolic enough. i had gifts--they weren't willing to use them. i tried, time and time again, only to be told no.
and still i want to go back to these people.
yeah, you're pretty-to an extent. but don't expect the boys to come to you.
if you maybe lost a little weight, then he wouldn't be embarrassed to like you.
you have a pretty face, but thats about all you've got going.
your boobs are ok.
you don't have a tiny waist.
no wonder he didn't want to admit to anyone he loved you.
you shouldn't wear contacts. it makes your nose look big.
you dress like a slut. (gee, thanks)
why are you crying? that's ridiculous. just fix it.
encouraging words? i guess we're just too honest.
i just need a place to get it off my chest.
i need the sanctuary i used to have here.
now that its been violated, i don't even feel safe.
i like being a hermit.
no one can judge you when you're all alone...at least not to your knowledge.
complacency. resistance. rebelliousness.
you know the feeling? of course you do. you're me.
he at least came to my recitals. and solos.
but it was never "good job, baby."
it was always, "next year, let's go for first place." or "you did fine. no one noticed. suck it up."
she at least bought the dress she hated so much.
it still makes her mad to see me wear it though.
because i don't look thin in it.
no one's perfect.
but i hope i can offer more support to someone in the future than they have to me.
that's the only thing i can offer.
i just want to feel special.
just for something in me to be unique again.
for someone outside me to notice if i'm special or not, or maybe i'm just desperate for attention. Lord, i hope not. help me.
you want honesty?
i didn't come here for the calling i was supposed to be following. i came here for desire of a craft-music.
but that wasn't my calling.
i am using it for practicality.
but not for a calling.
a singer? thats a small part of it.
a songwriter? another piece.
a writer? it helps.
but what have i been up to lately?
sermons.
take it how you want to. but that's how i feel.
it makes me want to cry.
i don't feel worthy of it.
remember the time at the C2 trip? and we had the special speaker in that small room with a handful of people, but it was the first time in years you had felt God? in March2010?
remember how you thought He could never use you? because you had drifted so far for so long, and had resisted everything He'd tried to show you?
remember that message taught at youth retreat? in 2008? and it was about the carriers of the message? and how God had called certain ones to carry His message to those to come?
you had never felt anything so strongly in all your life. that was one of the only times you ever raced to an altar. you knew it was for you. you held to the promise. and you still couldn't feel God.
you'd been running from him since you were 15.
it started with Lady Gaga.
and it ended when you came to IBC, and went to that weekend with Renee to her house, and spent it at church, and that last night, you cried for the first time in a repentant way.. saying you were sorry. actually feeeling something again.
and then something changed.
and you wanted to do it so bad.
and at the same time..
you're still searching for their approval.
and you still feel.. replaced.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
I Still Call You Mine
mood: nostalgic
locale: moms chair
song: silence
i was reminded today of those moments we had shared, deep in the caverns of our yesterday.
I stood right in the shop that held that moment, that bond of unequable..love.
i often stand in the place where you almost gave me my first kiss..
where you had to leave, and i had butterflies churning my insides. its those moments that i miss with you. i don't miss the days where i was so confused and miserable i didn't know what to do with myself. i don't miss the days where i was so tormented by the thought that you could have been pulling tricks like that to see what my reaction would have been. i hate the thought that you could have potentially been embarrassed of me when your friends were around.. but now you're not.
i miss thinking about how our life would have been, if it had ever developed.
i miss the talks Jesus and I had about you in all those quiet moments, where i would pour out my heart and beg for you to one day be mine.
i miss the times you would tease me, and call me by my middle name.
i remember the time you kissed my hand, and called me your fair lady.
we once stood just inches apart from each other, breathing deeply, that fire in my chest passed on to your rigid body. you looked so deeply into my eyes, i saw nothing else, only feeling that pounding that you always place behind my rib cage.
but i also know the time you decided to tell everyone that you were dating her. just to see what i would do. cruel and unusual don't usually come from you, but that was a low moment. broken hearted, i tried to control what i was feeling, although it was noticeable to everyone, and my allusion was shattered. you broke it off before the end of the day, but not before the damage was done.
there was the day i thought i was doing the mature thing, and told everyone i had sworn off boys.. at least until highschool was over. and for the most part, i kept my promise. you were the only one i had in mind. i knew i felt strongly about you, and i thought you felt the same way about me. how could i have been sure? you were so twofaced about it. you only wanted to be cool when it was just us. then you would act so vague the next.
but do you remember how you reacted? do you know how guilty i felt?
the anger. you refused to talk to me. you told me good-bye.
i had told you how i loved the curls in your hair.
-you shaved them off.
i loved the boxers with the fish hooks.
-you never wore them again.
i loved your cubs hat.
-you switched to braves.
you complained i quit talking to you.
-could you imagine why?
you started taking pain killers.
you began drinking...heavily.
you started dating another girl with my name.
with my hair and eyes.
coincidence? seriously??
you can't even make stuff like this up.
...but you did remember my 15th birthday. and sang it..almost to no one when i walked by that night.
the other ones...you are so beautiful. the sparkly eyes. bleh. its sickening now.
now you want to talk.
now you want to talk.
you call me.
-for like 3 minutes.
you text me you miss me.
you text me you want to hang out.
you IM me to tell me you want to see me.
-now i'm pretty sure i know why.
i see you at work.
its just like old times.
i make you laugh.
i make you smile.
-you captivate me.
now you've disappeared again.
you go get crazy,
then start saying your going to change your ways.
i want you to so badly. i pray for you every day.
i used to believe in the potential you held.
now i don't even want to recognize it.
it doesn't even seem possible.
but i know it is.
if i could speak anything over you at all, it would be that you came back to God this year.
remember when you told him that you were too far gone?
i don't believe that you are.
i didn't believe it then.
i think you're running.
you're running so hard from what you know you've been called to be.
you said it yourself when we were about 13 years old.
you called it.
you even knew what i was going to be.
i can't let you go.. no matter how hard i've tried.
and you know i've tried hard.
for nothing it seems.
i could talk all day about the accumulation over the years between me and you.
and maybe that why i can still call you mine.
Monday, January 3, 2011
Serenity
mood: intrigued
locale: moms chair
song: eclipsed
the mirrors reflection captures your grace,
as i write a song for you.
but i'm the one who wants to see your face.
yes, just us two.
open up your heart.
for we are the two starcrossed lovers
forced to play this part.
oh serenity
it rests in your hands
all our future
what we've always had planned
take it away
take it from me
i keep coming back for you
oh serenity
rhythm. its all off.
i don't capture anything. ever.
kansas. i want to be there. with cooper jean. she misses me. i miss her. we need to be together.
brown eyes, green eyes, such different people. but heaven knows we are one and the same.
gravity.
not grave-ity
so, the newest discovery that presents itself to me in the most desirable way would happen to be the mug* (name has been changed to protect the identity of the innocent)
pictures, quotes, blogs. its fantastic.
crafts, patterns, recipes, fabulous-fabulous photography.
let me explain to you something.
i don't know if any of you have happened to have watched or read any of the Twilight series, but i am an extreme fan of Jacob. I think its the thought of that dark skin against pale skin.
but actually, its the whole deemed composition of hard work and love that never pays off.
the theme of my life.
there have been too many ups and downs.
and i've lived with my bad decisions.
like the bean. pea.
like the first wedding failure.
like the life i've created for myself out of all of my mistakes.
for most, the intense passion of love and desire comes once--if you're chosen.
when tasted the first time, its hard to ever fully dispose of the impossibility of the thought, the emotional capacity of your world comes down to the happiness of one person, and once too often its never reciprocrated.
and yet we still work so hard to make them the happiest they've ever been.
you sense change and hope that all works out for the better, but you're left confused and stumbling and wondering what it is that you needed in the first place.
i miss it.
i have it.
i hate it.
i gave it away.
he still has it.
just like the quote says.
and unfortunately,
it will never be mine again.
in the same contorted instance,
i opt out of the option of repossesion.
twisted.
but that is the price of serenity.
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Pink Ink, Black Thoughts
mood: beguiled
locale: antique bed in new home
song: spiderman/sweethomealabama
a series of pretentious thoughts streaming live today.
new songs and collective poetry. i hate that this unreliability as a person and author to hopelessly never finish what i try to start.
i have so many thoughts and ideas, i can't seem to keep them straight long enough to write them down. i write some, take it down some, then completely lose focus and have to start on something different because a new thought struck gold down in the fathoms of my subconscious to spring a new source of musings into the present moment.
1.
i can only tell the truth by telling you a lie
stand there, watch you stare at me
first i tell you one--now its gone to three
it's a sequence of events that only you can call mine
new days but no more hope has come to life
these days it'd be best just close my eyes
take another second, hear it right there
breathe it in... the fresh new air
because its only in the moment now that i will
--feel this sane to say what i feel
just take my heart and rip it into pieces
its not worth the pain like it was before
so take this trampled being
nail it to your door
don't come calling, i won't answer
anymore
completely unaware of the hazard signs to date
roses have their thorns
but i still watch the gate
hoping to see that old familiar face
cheating the moment
beating the thief like heaven still has grace
2.
You love me and tell me not.
avoiding me is the only way you can protect my heart.
Your eyes tell our whole story, the fire behind the passion
the hidden attraction
Contact forgotten, only dreams; memories; and blue eyes that still hold my destiny
*Just two starcrossed lovers forced to play the part.
3.
what is time but the mere turn of a calendar page..
it lies and binds
4.
to the world i admit my selfishness, but to you, i lie in honesty. just to feel your love, and escape your wrath.
--i wrote that when i was about 12 years old.
i still come back to it. it's like my totem.
i found the two journals i had stashed away. one for future plans. one for thought of the moment. pink ink. black ink.
pink for hope springing new. black for past. black for concrete future.
pink for hope that will fail.
pink for revelation.
black for reality.
black for the casual reminder of what naturally happens.
#categorization
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