I Still Call You Mine

mood: nostalgic

locale: moms chair

song: silence

i was reminded today of those moments we had shared, deep in the caverns of our yesterday.

I stood right in the shop that held that moment, that bond of unequable..love.

i often stand in the place where you almost gave me my first kiss..

where you had to leave, and i had butterflies churning my insides. its those moments that i miss with you. i don't miss the days where i was so confused and miserable i didn't know what to do with myself. i don't miss the days where i was so tormented by the thought that you could have been pulling tricks like that to see what my reaction would have been. i hate the thought that you could have potentially been embarrassed of me when your friends were around.. but now you're not.

i miss thinking about how our life would have been, if it had ever developed.

i miss the talks Jesus and I had about you in all those quiet moments, where i would pour out my heart and beg for you to one day be mine.

i miss the times you would tease me, and call me by my middle name.

i remember the time you kissed my hand, and called me your fair lady.

we once stood just inches apart from each other, breathing deeply, that fire in my chest passed on to your rigid body. you looked so deeply into my eyes, i saw nothing else, only feeling that pounding that you always place behind my rib cage.

but i also know the time you decided to tell everyone that you were dating her. just to see what i would do. cruel and unusual don't usually come from you, but that was a low moment. broken hearted, i tried to control what i was feeling, although it was noticeable to everyone, and my allusion was shattered. you broke it off before the end of the day, but not before the damage was done.

there was the day i thought i was doing the mature thing, and told everyone i had sworn off boys.. at least until highschool was over. and for the most part, i kept my promise. you were the only one i had in mind. i knew i felt strongly about you, and i thought you felt the same way about me. how could i have been sure? you were so twofaced about it. you only wanted to be cool when it was just us. then you would act so vague the next.

but do you remember how you reacted? do you know how guilty i felt?

the anger. you refused to talk to me. you told me good-bye.

i had told you how i loved the curls in your hair.

-you shaved them off.

i loved the boxers with the fish hooks.

-you never wore them again.

i loved your cubs hat.

-you switched to braves.

you complained i quit talking to you.

-could you imagine why?

you started taking pain killers.

you began drinking...heavily.

you started dating another girl with my name.

with my hair and eyes.

coincidence? seriously??

you can't even make stuff like this up.

...but you did remember my 15th birthday. and sang it..almost to no one when i walked by that night.

the other ones...you are so beautiful. the sparkly eyes. bleh. its sickening now.

now you want to talk.

you call me.

-for like 3 minutes.

you text me you miss me.

you text me you want to hang out.

you IM me to tell me you want to see me.

-now i'm pretty sure i know why.

 

i see you at work.

its just like old times.

i make you laugh.

i make you smile.

-you captivate me.

now you've disappeared again.

you go get crazy,

then start saying your going to change your ways.

i want you to so badly. i pray for you every day.

i used to believe in the potential you held.

now i don't even want to recognize it.

it doesn't even seem possible.

but i know it is.

if i could speak anything over you at all, it would be that you came back to God this year.

remember when you told him that you were too far gone?

i don't believe that you are.

i didn't believe it then.

i think you're running.

you're running so hard from what you know you've been called to be.

you said it yourself when we were about 13 years old.

you called it.

you even knew what i was going to be.

i can't let you go.. no matter how hard i've tried.

and you know i've tried hard.

for nothing it seems.

i could talk all day about the accumulation over the years between me and you.

and maybe that why i can still call you mine.