Rainboots and Sandwiches

mood: replaced

song: silence

location: smelly dorm

there's a time and place where you have to fight back the feelings of replacement.  there's a time when you have to stare at the face in the mirror and remind yourself that all things are temporary, new things happen all the time.

for the most part, i wish i could fly away on the breezes of whispers.. sung by the angel choir, directed by the effluent. 
there's a longing, a desire, a passion.  but i feel replaced.
i don't feel used right now.
i don't have a true sense of belonging to the whole.
disconnected.
....replaced.

at home, i had somewhat of  a job to fulfill  here, its all studying--granted that what i came all the way up here to do, but in the end, i want a job that means something.

My Aunt, the lady i look up to most in this world (other than my mom, of course) has found a new friend, a new helper, a funny girl thats cooler than i am.  and it stings a little. i knew i'd never be her favorite, so i need to just get over it and move on.

life's changing.. and i don't know how to handle it right now. at least my mom hasn't gotten a new friend she confides in. thank God. i'd cry my eyes out.

i still fight those feelings of never being good enough.
i know i'll always struggle with them. some days are easier than others, and its the positive days i look forward to.

i never practiced enough. i was never a good enough singer. he told me i should stick to piano, though it was somewhat passionless, for singers are too many to count.
i was never pretty enough, never thin enough, never lady like enough. she told me i could do better. take better care of myself. whiten my teeth more often.
they told me i wasn't apostolic enough. i had gifts--they weren't willing to use them. i tried, time and time again, only to be told no.
and still i want to go back to these people.

yeah, you're pretty-to an extent. but don't expect the boys to come to you.
if you maybe lost a little weight, then he wouldn't be embarrassed to like you.
you have a pretty face, but thats about all you've got going.
your boobs are ok.
you don't have a tiny waist.
no wonder he didn't want to admit to anyone he loved you.
you shouldn't wear contacts. it makes your nose look big.
you dress like a slut. (gee, thanks)
why are you crying? that's ridiculous. just fix it.
encouraging words? i guess we're just too honest.

i just need a place to get it off my chest.
i need the sanctuary i used to have here.
now that its been violated, i don't even feel safe.
i like being a hermit.
no one can judge you when you're all alone...at least not to your knowledge.
complacency. resistance. rebelliousness.

you know the feeling? of course you do. you're me.

he at least came to my recitals. and solos.
but it was never "good job, baby."
it was always, "next year, let's go for first place." or "you did fine. no one noticed. suck it up."

she at least bought the dress she hated so much.
it still makes her mad to see me wear it though.
because i don't look thin in it.

no one's perfect.
but i hope i can offer more support to someone in the future than they have to me.
that's the only thing i can offer.

i just want to feel special.
just for something in me to be unique again.
for someone outside me to notice if i'm special or not, or maybe i'm just desperate for attention. Lord, i hope not. help me.

you want honesty?
i didn't come here for the calling i was supposed to be following. i came here for desire of a craft-music.
but that wasn't my calling.
i am using it for practicality.
but not for a calling.
a singer? thats a small part of it.
a songwriter? another piece.
a writer? it helps.

but what have i been up to lately?
sermons.

take it how you want to. but that's how i feel.
it makes me want to cry.
i don't feel worthy of it.

remember the time at the C2 trip? and we had the special speaker in that small room with a handful of people, but it was the first time in years you had felt God? in March2010?
remember how you thought He could never use you? because you had drifted so far for so long, and had resisted everything He'd tried to show you?

remember that message taught at youth retreat? in 2008? and it was about the carriers of the message? and how God had called certain ones to carry His message to those to come?
you had never felt anything so strongly in all your life. that was one of the only times you ever raced to an altar. you knew it was for you. you held to the promise. and you still couldn't feel God.

you'd been running from him since you were 15.
it started with Lady Gaga.
and it ended when you came to IBC, and went to that weekend with Renee to her house, and spent it at church, and that last night, you cried for the first time in a repentant way.. saying you were sorry. actually feeeling something again.

and then something changed.
and you wanted to do it so bad.
and at the same time..
 you're still searching for their approval.
 and you still feel.. replaced.