Jeremiah 33 When Deliverance Isn't an Option

Jeremiah 33 will change your life. Go read it.

There is a place in the life of every individual where they feel like they have slipped too far away from God.
There's a place, so secluded, and dark, and hopeless, where you feel like giving up, and never coming back to face the world again.  The place where life no longer seems like it worth living..

There's a time where we wonder, and cry out, screaming, God! What did I do wrong? I've repented.  I've followed your plan to the best of my ability. I don't understand why I can't feel you anymore.  I don't understand why i'm having to face this, deal with this, put up with this.  I've asked to be delivered. I've confessed, I've laid my burden down before You like You asked.. and then i wake up to find it haunting me again.

-I once was in a Youth Retreat, in March of 2008, in a state of total rebellion.  Sitting through the first service, I was more worried about what I had on rather than the message going forth.  In the room, I was the one who turned on Lady Gaga, I was the one who caused all the trouble.  There was nothing you could say to me to make me feel any less repentant, no look you could turn my direction to make me hang my head in shame.  The next morning wasn't much different. Worship service was a joke to me.  Any ministering that may have gone forth was lost on me.  Approaching the stand, the special speaker came before us with a heavy heart, wanting so desperately to convey the sermon pressed upon his heart for us--for me.
Scoffing, i sat back.  Watching all the "religious suckers" around me immediately turn attentive. "What a bunch of hypocrites" was all i could think. 
     As the message developed, the more interested i became.  He was speaking of the next generation of Pentecostals to come.  Words that he spoke were stabbing my soul, I could barely keep the tears at bay.  Burden upon burden was pushed down onto my heart, and i knew somehow that he was talking directly to me.  I had to respond. When the altar call was given, i ran to the front, wanting to be in the presence of God again.. but it wasn't the right time.  My heart still wasn't in the right place, and i was still shutting Him out.  Tears came, but i still felt so empty inside.  There was a longing with no answer, and i couldn't understand it.
    I thought i was ready to come back, but i didn't understand that there was still more for me to experience in this life that would take me to a place i never wanted to go.. but i had to experience it to accomplish His ministry as a carrier in the future.

I was still backslidden, and you may be in the same place today, where you can't understand why you can't feel Him, where you think you've gone wrong too many times for Him to forgive you. But go back to that day where He planted that dream inside of you.  Go back to that time where you couldn't express anything but love for Him as He slowly revealed bits and pieces of His plan to you, when you couldn't even understand it.

 I thought that i had wronged Him too many times, that He would never hear me again.  But His timing is perfect.  I would cry out to be delivered, and i began to think that Deliverance was no longer an option.  I had to live with the choices i had made.

But He would quietly whisper to me the dreams He had placed in my heart.
He says in His word, "Call to me and I will answer you and show you great and mighty things, fenced in and hidden, which you do not know (do not distinguish and recognize, have knowledge of an understand)." (Jeremiah 33:3, Amp.)
(Jeremiah 33:3-11)
The tribe of Judah didn't understand why they were having to go through the attacks they were facing, but God said, I have it all under control.  I will speak to you things you don't understand yet, to give you hope.
(vs 6)  You may have to go through a lot.  You may have to be beated up and tried, but He promises His healing in the end.  His ultimate cure for your heart, His peace.   He knows you're going to fail, but he says "I'll forgive you.  You may have rebelled against me, but now you understand why.  You may have felt distant from me, but I was looking out for you.  You may not have understood, but you do now.  I have enough grace to cover everything you've ever done.  I don't want your guilt, I'll clease you from it. I want to restore your joy, your peace. I want to provide for you now."

It's all for His ultimate plan. Do we understand? Only after He reveals it to you.

He's calling out for you to come.  Just come and lay it before Him.  He'll take care of you. He wants your heart, your willingness to go through what you have to go through, and when you feel like giving up, run to Him.  Just place it before Him, saying I don't understand.  I don't know why I have to feel like this.  But God, if it's for your plan, for your will, then God,  I'm willing to do it. To go through it.  Shape me through it.

I'm willing to run to you, I will run, Forever i will run, unto You oh God, where else can i go? Forever i will run.

Rainboots and Sandwiches

mood: replaced

song: silence

location: smelly dorm

there's a time and place where you have to fight back the feelings of replacement.  there's a time when you have to stare at the face in the mirror and remind yourself that all things are temporary, new things happen all the time.

for the most part, i wish i could fly away on the breezes of whispers.. sung by the angel choir, directed by the effluent. 
there's a longing, a desire, a passion.  but i feel replaced.
i don't feel used right now.
i don't have a true sense of belonging to the whole.
disconnected.
....replaced.

at home, i had somewhat of  a job to fulfill  here, its all studying--granted that what i came all the way up here to do, but in the end, i want a job that means something.

My Aunt, the lady i look up to most in this world (other than my mom, of course) has found a new friend, a new helper, a funny girl thats cooler than i am.  and it stings a little. i knew i'd never be her favorite, so i need to just get over it and move on.

life's changing.. and i don't know how to handle it right now. at least my mom hasn't gotten a new friend she confides in. thank God. i'd cry my eyes out.

i still fight those feelings of never being good enough.
i know i'll always struggle with them. some days are easier than others, and its the positive days i look forward to.

i never practiced enough. i was never a good enough singer. he told me i should stick to piano, though it was somewhat passionless, for singers are too many to count.
i was never pretty enough, never thin enough, never lady like enough. she told me i could do better. take better care of myself. whiten my teeth more often.
they told me i wasn't apostolic enough. i had gifts--they weren't willing to use them. i tried, time and time again, only to be told no.
and still i want to go back to these people.

yeah, you're pretty-to an extent. but don't expect the boys to come to you.
if you maybe lost a little weight, then he wouldn't be embarrassed to like you.
you have a pretty face, but thats about all you've got going.
your boobs are ok.
you don't have a tiny waist.
no wonder he didn't want to admit to anyone he loved you.
you shouldn't wear contacts. it makes your nose look big.
you dress like a slut. (gee, thanks)
why are you crying? that's ridiculous. just fix it.
encouraging words? i guess we're just too honest.

i just need a place to get it off my chest.
i need the sanctuary i used to have here.
now that its been violated, i don't even feel safe.
i like being a hermit.
no one can judge you when you're all alone...at least not to your knowledge.
complacency. resistance. rebelliousness.

you know the feeling? of course you do. you're me.

he at least came to my recitals. and solos.
but it was never "good job, baby."
it was always, "next year, let's go for first place." or "you did fine. no one noticed. suck it up."

she at least bought the dress she hated so much.
it still makes her mad to see me wear it though.
because i don't look thin in it.

no one's perfect.
but i hope i can offer more support to someone in the future than they have to me.
that's the only thing i can offer.

i just want to feel special.
just for something in me to be unique again.
for someone outside me to notice if i'm special or not, or maybe i'm just desperate for attention. Lord, i hope not. help me.

you want honesty?
i didn't come here for the calling i was supposed to be following. i came here for desire of a craft-music.
but that wasn't my calling.
i am using it for practicality.
but not for a calling.
a singer? thats a small part of it.
a songwriter? another piece.
a writer? it helps.

but what have i been up to lately?
sermons.

take it how you want to. but that's how i feel.
it makes me want to cry.
i don't feel worthy of it.

remember the time at the C2 trip? and we had the special speaker in that small room with a handful of people, but it was the first time in years you had felt God? in March2010?
remember how you thought He could never use you? because you had drifted so far for so long, and had resisted everything He'd tried to show you?

remember that message taught at youth retreat? in 2008? and it was about the carriers of the message? and how God had called certain ones to carry His message to those to come?
you had never felt anything so strongly in all your life. that was one of the only times you ever raced to an altar. you knew it was for you. you held to the promise. and you still couldn't feel God.

you'd been running from him since you were 15.
it started with Lady Gaga.
and it ended when you came to IBC, and went to that weekend with Renee to her house, and spent it at church, and that last night, you cried for the first time in a repentant way.. saying you were sorry. actually feeeling something again.

and then something changed.
and you wanted to do it so bad.
and at the same time..
 you're still searching for their approval.
 and you still feel.. replaced.

I Still Call You Mine

mood: nostalgic

locale: moms chair

song: silence

i was reminded today of those moments we had shared, deep in the caverns of our yesterday.

I stood right in the shop that held that moment, that bond of unequable..love.

i often stand in the place where you almost gave me my first kiss..

where you had to leave, and i had butterflies churning my insides. its those moments that i miss with you. i don't miss the days where i was so confused and miserable i didn't know what to do with myself. i don't miss the days where i was so tormented by the thought that you could have been pulling tricks like that to see what my reaction would have been. i hate the thought that you could have potentially been embarrassed of me when your friends were around.. but now you're not.

i miss thinking about how our life would have been, if it had ever developed.

i miss the talks Jesus and I had about you in all those quiet moments, where i would pour out my heart and beg for you to one day be mine.

i miss the times you would tease me, and call me by my middle name.

i remember the time you kissed my hand, and called me your fair lady.

we once stood just inches apart from each other, breathing deeply, that fire in my chest passed on to your rigid body. you looked so deeply into my eyes, i saw nothing else, only feeling that pounding that you always place behind my rib cage.

but i also know the time you decided to tell everyone that you were dating her. just to see what i would do. cruel and unusual don't usually come from you, but that was a low moment. broken hearted, i tried to control what i was feeling, although it was noticeable to everyone, and my allusion was shattered. you broke it off before the end of the day, but not before the damage was done.

there was the day i thought i was doing the mature thing, and told everyone i had sworn off boys.. at least until highschool was over. and for the most part, i kept my promise. you were the only one i had in mind. i knew i felt strongly about you, and i thought you felt the same way about me. how could i have been sure? you were so twofaced about it. you only wanted to be cool when it was just us. then you would act so vague the next.

but do you remember how you reacted? do you know how guilty i felt?

the anger. you refused to talk to me. you told me good-bye.

i had told you how i loved the curls in your hair.

-you shaved them off.

i loved the boxers with the fish hooks.

-you never wore them again.

i loved your cubs hat.

-you switched to braves.

you complained i quit talking to you.

-could you imagine why?

you started taking pain killers.

you began drinking...heavily.

you started dating another girl with my name.

with my hair and eyes.

coincidence? seriously??

you can't even make stuff like this up.

...but you did remember my 15th birthday. and sang it..almost to no one when i walked by that night.

the other ones...you are so beautiful. the sparkly eyes. bleh. its sickening now.

now you want to talk.

you call me.

-for like 3 minutes.

you text me you miss me.

you text me you want to hang out.

you IM me to tell me you want to see me.

-now i'm pretty sure i know why.

 

i see you at work.

its just like old times.

i make you laugh.

i make you smile.

-you captivate me.

now you've disappeared again.

you go get crazy,

then start saying your going to change your ways.

i want you to so badly. i pray for you every day.

i used to believe in the potential you held.

now i don't even want to recognize it.

it doesn't even seem possible.

but i know it is.

if i could speak anything over you at all, it would be that you came back to God this year.

remember when you told him that you were too far gone?

i don't believe that you are.

i didn't believe it then.

i think you're running.

you're running so hard from what you know you've been called to be.

you said it yourself when we were about 13 years old.

you called it.

you even knew what i was going to be.

i can't let you go.. no matter how hard i've tried.

and you know i've tried hard.

for nothing it seems.

i could talk all day about the accumulation over the years between me and you.

and maybe that why i can still call you mine.

Serenity

mood: intrigued

locale: moms chair

song: eclipsed

the mirrors reflection captures your grace,

as i write a song for you.

but i'm the one who wants to see your face.

yes, just us two.

open up your heart.

for we are the two starcrossed lovers

forced to play this part.

oh serenity

it rests in your hands

all our future

what we've always had planned

take it away

take it from me

i keep coming back for you

oh serenity

rhythm. its all off.

i don't capture anything. ever.

kansas. i want to be there. with cooper jean. she misses me. i miss her. we need to be together.

brown eyes, green eyes, such different people. but heaven knows we are one and the same.

gravity.

not grave-ity

so, the newest discovery that presents itself to me in the most desirable way would happen to be the mug* (name has been changed to protect the identity of the innocent)

pictures, quotes, blogs. its fantastic.

crafts, patterns, recipes, fabulous-fabulous photography.

let me explain to you something.

i don't know if any of you have happened to have watched or read any of the Twilight series, but i am an extreme fan of Jacob. I think its the thought of that dark skin against pale skin.

but actually, its the whole deemed composition of hard work and love that never pays off.

the theme of my life.

there have been too many ups and downs.

and i've lived with my bad decisions.

like the bean. pea.

like the first wedding failure.

like the life i've created for myself out of all of my mistakes.

for most, the intense passion of love and desire comes once--if you're chosen.

when tasted the first time, its hard to ever fully dispose of the impossibility of the thought, the emotional capacity of your world comes down to the happiness of one person, and once too often its never reciprocrated.

and yet we still work so hard to make them the happiest they've ever been.

you sense change and hope that all works out for the better, but you're left confused and stumbling and wondering what it is that you needed in the first place.

i miss it.

i have it.

i hate it.

i gave it away.

he still has it.

just like the quote says.

and unfortunately,

it will never be mine again.

in the same contorted instance,

i opt out of the option of repossesion.

twisted.

but that is the price of serenity.

Pink Ink, Black Thoughts

mood: beguiled

locale: antique bed in new home

song: spiderman/sweethomealabama


a series of pretentious thoughts streaming live today.

new songs and collective poetry. i hate that this unreliability as a person and author to hopelessly never finish what i try to start.

i have so many thoughts and ideas, i can't seem to keep them straight long enough to write them down. i write some, take it down some, then completely lose focus and have to start on something different because a new thought struck gold down in the fathoms of my subconscious to spring a new source of musings into the present moment.

1.
i can only tell the truth by telling you a lie
stand there, watch you stare at me
first i tell you one--now its gone to three
it's a sequence of events that only you can call mine
new days but no more hope has come to life
these days it'd be best just close my eyes
take another second, hear it right there
breathe it in... the fresh new air
because its only in the moment now that i will
--feel this sane to say what i feel
just take my heart and rip it into pieces
its not worth the pain like it was before
so take this trampled being
nail it to your door
don't come calling, i won't answer
anymore

completely unaware of the hazard signs to date
roses have their thorns
but i still watch the gate
hoping to see that old familiar face
cheating the moment
beating the thief like heaven still has grace

2.
You love me and tell me not.
avoiding me is the only way you can protect my heart.
Your eyes tell our whole story, the fire behind the passion
the hidden attraction
Contact forgotten, only dreams; memories; and blue eyes that still hold my destiny
*Just two starcrossed lovers forced to play the part.

3.
what is time but the mere turn of a calendar page..
it lies and binds


4.
to the world i admit my selfishness, but to you, i lie in honesty. just to feel your love, and escape your wrath.
--i wrote that when i was about 12 years old.
i still come back to it. it's like my totem.

i found the two journals i had stashed away. one for future plans. one for thought of the moment. pink ink. black ink.
pink for hope springing new. black for past. black for concrete future.
pink for hope that will fail.
pink for revelation.
black for reality.
black for the casual reminder of what naturally happens.
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