What Would Have Happened Pt. 1 contd.

(Listen to Crazy, Katie Herzig)

Our final school semester for the year was almost over.  Maddening hours spent the last few weeks before graduation had put Tyler into a frenzy.  I couldn't seem to keep him focused for anything.  We spent every free hour together, either playing volleyball, studying, or just sitting out underneath the stars, listening to the beautiful silence.  In a way, I almost felt like he was distancing himself. There was something just under the surface that he was determined not to tell me, straining across the wordless gap surrounding us.

Tyler bounded down the hallway, trying to gauge Ash's local.  "Hey, we need to talk."
  Timidly, she brushed her finger on his chest, her mind raced to conclude the unknown.  "What's going on?"  Hesitation filtered out the fear.
  "Nothing.  I just need to ask you something."

Tiptoeing to the end of the hallway, Ash slipped through the screen door on her back porch. She could view Tyler's truck in the shadows of the street, his engine lightly humming.

Applying light pressure, she eased the door to close.  Sweeping her gaze over him, she managed to make out the twinkles behind his dimmed expression.  "You don't look too happy."
  He shrugged.  "I guess I'm not."
  "Want to talk about it now?"
  "There's not much to really say.  But I need to know what you think, first."
  The silence spoke for her, revealing too little.
  He cleared his throat.  "I got accepted to UA on a football scholarship. I thought it was going to be a long shot, but they want me.  I be gone for awhile, but its soon enough that i won't get to see you for much longer.  They start practicing toward the end of next month.  I want to know how you feel about this. I mean, you're gonna be here, and i'll be down there.  It's about 7 hours away.  I just don't know how...."
  "How we would make it that far apart?"
  "Yeah."
  "I guess we'll find out.  But honestly, i think it's awesome you got accepted.  That's been you and your dad's thing now for..ages.  I feel like the world would have gone out of alignment if you hadn't gotten accepted there." 
  "You really mean it?  Are you really, REALLY, happy? Or are you just saying this to make me happy?"
  Batting proud lashes at him, she curled into his side.  "Now tell me, how many girls can say that their boyfriend is gonna be the star football player for 'Bama?! Not many! Of course I'm excited, baby."
 

And I really was.  I wanted what was best for him.  For him to have everything, and for nothing to be out of his reach was all that mattered.  In the back of my mind, the sense of loss had already started registering, but I pushed it away, hoping it would go away with time.

Tyler had made his salutatorian's speech flawlessly, laughter peeling through the gyms auditorium at the right moments, tears accompanying his brief reminisces.  Barbeque was eaten, cake was split, and overall jovialty was shared over Tyler's acceptance.  Sitting back, Ash day dreamed, adoring the love of her life from a distance, watching him interact with the different members from his class and family.

What Could have Happened pt. 1 contd.

"Pssst! Hey! Let me see your notes."
Startled, Ash swiveled the direction of the voice.  "What?"
Fair blue eyes pierced hers.  "Let me see your notes," Ty recanted with an upturned lip.
Timidly passing them, she was thankful she had managed not to scribble Ty's name all over the page's edge.  He caught her eye again to hand the sheets back.  "Thanks," he whispered, wiggling his eyebrows.
  Ducking her head, she tried to copy down all the babble concerning the appropriate uses of the adverbial clause.
  To Ash's dismay, she heard another hiss being whispered from Ty's desk.  A small folded gum wrapper tumbled onto her lap.  Gingerly inspecting the material, she followed the imperative command of "Open Me."  Peeling the corners apart, the words she read caught her breath.
  "Your eyes get sparkly when you do that."
  Chancing a peek at her tormentor, what she saw knocked all sense out of the day.   Darkened sapphire eyes boring right into her own chocolate brown ones told all too much about how Ty was feeling at the moment. Scared, she quickly diverted her thoughts.
  It took everything in her to breath after that.

Days lumped into weeks as time passed, and steadily the new relationship grew from its flirtatious banter to something else entirely.  Deep down, Ashton could feel the new intimacy building between Tyler and herself.  Time spent away from him was spent daydreaming of their future, and often she was shocked by the intensity of her own emotions.  Something had transpired, and it was binding him forever into the corridors of her innocent heart.

What used to be her locker before her now took on the distinction of a pair of hands, darkening her vision.  A slow smile crinkled against her soft features.
  "Guess who?"  The laughter in his voice was barely in check.
  "Hmm. Let me guess.  Do yiou have honey colored curls?"
  Low chuckles rumbled from his chest.  "Well, some do call them my golden locks."
  "Do you have blue eyes?"
  "That's actually dependent on the day.  Right now i think they're a little gray."
  "Are you hilariously funny with very odd talents?"
  "Do you think you could ask anymore questions?  I'm not vegetable, mineral, or anything else off of your list of 20 questions. Just say it, good lord."  Tyler bit back a laugh.  She was cute.  Definitely cute.
  "Lemme see.. Could it be Tyler?  'Cause he's the only one i know who could fit all those requirements."  Quivering with laughter, her mouth was suddenly caught up with his.  The sensation he gave her never grew old with every touch pulsing pleasure through her veins.
  "Did you notice your ends were purple?"  Ringlets curled around his fingertips.
  "What?"  She gasped, snatching her colored flaxen waves from his grasp. "When did this happen?"
  "Last period when i got bored.  It just looked so tempting.  Your hair looks really pretty like this... and i just wanted to touch it."

  There was that feeling again. I couldn't help it.  Everything he did made me love him more.  He did silly things like that all the time, and somehow i knew deep down inside he was right for me. He was perfect in my eyes, and at the time i believed he was my Prince Charming.
  You know, he would even catch me unaware sometimes, when i really wasn't paying attention, and would lean over and sing sweet songs in my ear.  It didn't matter the moment, or what i was doing, what i had on-- he always had a song for me.

Lazily dreaming away the minutes at the picnic tables outside school was where Tyler found Ashton.  Sifting her wheat curls through his fingers, he watched the fine tendrils dance in the breeze.  A secret smile twisted his lips.  It was the smile  used only in his most vulnerable of moments: the one he used whenever Ashton crossed his mind.  Gently brushing her hair away from the slope of her neck, he softly hummed the bars of her favorite song against her ear. 
  Lowering her lashes, she memorized the moment, content to stay in that spot for eternity.  It was perfect in all of its elements.
  There was something to the trust they shared.  It was being able to be moldable together. It was trust in the other to be the strength one needed to have for the confidence they both possessed.  As lovely as the moment happened, however, Ashton couldn't help but ask herself just what Tyler felt.  She knew, even in the smallest of instances, that she loved him.  Never had she confessed it, but never had he given any verbal inclination that he might be one to love her.
  Yes.  She felt his love.  Saw his love in his actions.  Felt his love in the attraction he spoke of to her. But did he feel it too?

Exams were coming up.  The pressure for high grades mounted.  Exhausted due to absolutely no sleep, Ashton let her head fall onto her locker.  Something rattled from within the metal casing.  Frowning, she lifted the latch to pry the door open. 
  The sight astounded her.  Taped to every tangible surface revealed a note of somekind from Ty.  Song lyrics he made habit to sing, and descriptive memoirs of the times they had shared.  Even details from the Christmas party they had attended.  Blurred vision gave way to tears.  Joy emitted from her core.  That was what it really felt like.  An explosion, perhaps, of tiny sun shine rays and beams bouncing off every corner. 
  Eyes brimming, she sought him out in the small, gathering crowd.  There he stood, eyes holding a new intensity.  His orbs dark with a fierceness she'd never witnessed before.
  She stared up at him.   That moment would seal their roles forever.

  I thought he was going to.  Hoped he would have.  Right there in front of everybody.  But he didn't.  At the perfect second in time - when that ethereal moment passed and I felt eternity sucker punch me in the stomach - someone called his name.  Just like a bad chick flick.
  Our gazes were still locked, but slowly he pulled back, and faced the direction of the name sayer.  Clearing his throat, Ty answered her.  All in the same instant I knew love and hatred as potentedly placed on the appropriate heads.
  Life went on as normal.  In some ways we were bound by an unspoken word.  Something had happened. Just neither of us knew what.  But i felt it was coming to a close before i was ready for it to even begin.  Unfortunately, the close was coming faster than i had hoped.

What Could Have Happened pt. 1

Prologue

"Do you love me?"  He pulled her close.
  "Silly boy, you know that I do."  Her face belied the nervous flutter of her heart.
  "Would you do something for me?"  He continued to draw her towards him.
"You know I would do anything for you."
"You know what I want."
She stopped.  "I don't know if i could do that."
  "But i'm leaving in two days! I won't be back for a while.  Don't you want to make this special for me? Something i'll never forget?"
  "Of course I do, I just--"
  "Come on! Just this once. Please?" 
She started to protest, but he kissed her, stopping all refusals in her throat.
  He pulled her all the way to him.  He kissed her again.
She didn't walk away.



Part One.

"Ashton Harvey! Wait up there, Princess!"
  The April sun came out from the clouds, chasing some fo the left-over chill away.  Ash peered over the rims of her sunglasses at the three male classmates scrambling into her car. 
  "What do you think you're doing?"  Scowling at the ringleader, she tried to stop the grin breaking across her berry lips. 
"We're just trying to catch a ride on the A-train! What else?"
  Giggles escaped as loud whoops came from the back seat.
  "All right, all right.  Where to, boys?"

OK. Pause.  This is where i interrupt to narrate my story.  That was the first day that Tyler, the ringleader, had ever paid any real attention to me. Sure, we had the casual greeting in the hallway, but it was nothing more spectacular than that.  Absolutely nothing worth cataloguing in the "Top-Ten-High School- Sweethearts" section of the yearbook.
  Of course, I was flattered.  He was Tyler Kingsley, star football player, teacher's pet, and voted 'Most Likely to Succeed' by his Senior class.  I, on the other hand, was the dubbed brainiac who had never been on a date throughout her entire hig school experience.It's not that I was ugly.  I wasn't.  I just had tendencies to make things... awkward.
It was the first day of Spring break, and i was headed home from my first gallavant day on the town with my school posse.  He had seen me leaving the Cafe downtown, and had caught me at the red light in the Town Square.
  Flattered, i was willing to do anything for the attention.  'Anything' that night didn't turn out to be too extravagant.  We dtopped his friends off and went to the local bike park.  Chatting for a bit, we eventually ran into some of his friends where he made a quick goodbye.  There was nothing for me to do but go home.

  "Hello?"  Rubbing sleep from her eyes, the phone finally made it to her ear.
  "Hey, Ash.  Tyler here.  What're you doing?
  Searching in vain for a light switch, she mumbled, "Uhm, I was sleeping. But now i'm talking to you."
  "I feel special, you waking up to talk to me.  Say, uh, sorry to have left you like that in the park.  I twas just..you know.."
  "Really, it's ok. I understand."  Tingling bursts of crimson carressed her cheeks.  "Maybe another time."
  "Another time.  Yeah, sounds good. Night Ashton." Click.

  "OK class, what we have in your glasses is the..."
  "So he really called you?"  Ashton's best friend Lana speculated.
  "Yes. Do you want to check my call log?"
  "No.  It's just weird." Tossing lenghty tawny curls over her shoulder, she turned her attention to her notes.
  "I know."  Pressing against the lab table, she mulled over the glass contents compared to her in-class notes.  Something wasn't adding up..
 Wait, what was on her cheek?  Slowly moving the back of her hand against the flesh of her cheek, she pulled her hand away from the wet that had been indadvertently placed there.
  "Oh my gosh! What was that?"  Frantically tipping her head to the side she managed to wipe all the contents from her face.  "What the heck--" Flit! 
  Droplets of water flicked into her ear, gaining a severe head shake to escape the feeling.
  "Ha! Sorry Ash, but you should have seen the look that just took over your face.  It was awesome!"  The handsome Tyler doubled over in hysterical laughter.  "Really, it was amazing!"
  Something was softly starting to pull at the gentle strings of her delicate heart.  Trying to dispel any blush from her face, she smoothed the remaining water plops from her face.  Maybe he was starting to like her.

Hi. Me again.  Ok, so, seriously, ar this point I had already decided that i was going to have a crush on Tyler, whether he ever acknowledged me or not.  And i had convinced myself that he liked me at least a little bit.  I mean, why else would he have acted like this?  Not many girls were the object of his playful, flirty behavior.  I didn't know or even really care.  I wanted whatever he had to give me in whatever form it happened to come in.
  I thought it might be good to mention that even though Ty was a Senior and I was a Junior, we had almost all of the same classes.  We attended a progressive program school which thought it was better to mix the learning groups in a rotation of classes to further diversity among minds.  So as you can imagine, i was left quite often to do nothing but stare at the back of the head that had captured the immediate attention of my loves interest.  Pathetic? Why, yes, but the true story.

who's fault, but mine.

Series of the Fortunate

it's easier to believe in that perfect someone waiting out there, that will never hurt you in the little cocoon of warmth you have, in the little bubble you inhabit. that when  you feel so intensely that first time you meet them, look at them, and want them, you think they could never ever be the person you're scared of them being. that they hold the same thoughts, ideals, give themselves just as freely as you give yourself.
     it's easier to hope for that perfect person to come along, than it is to realize that the one you're meant to be with may be the reason you're carrying around so much baggage already.
     it's easier to deal with the fantasy than it is with the present state of reality.
you've already written them off.
you've already talked yourself out of the intial feelings.
and all the heartstrings that were pulled you've gently twisted back into place.
you ran up, so excited to see them, threw your arms around them and whispered 'i love you' oh so gently against their neck..
then shrink back into that shell of protectiveness.  the wall you've been trying to pull down suddenly gets slammed with mortar and brick chips as you scurry to scrape all the support back into place.
you talk yourself out of any feeling.
it doesn't matter.
they are plenty of others out there just like him.
then you slowly talk yourself into hating them, for hate is easier to accomplish than love.
why? because....
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
it's unconditional.
and thats what we have a problem with.
it's not us being hurt.
or self preservationalism.
its the inability to cope with faults that you find present in the potential relationship.
its how we react to the knowledge of imperfection.

its how we just realized,
that we do miss that one person we found so imperfect.
its how we remember-
staying up late and all those discussions,
and then falling asleep to the sound of the other persons breathing.
its how we could count the eyelashes on their perfect lids and never grow tired of it,
because somehow you found it worthwhile.
it's wanting to reach out,
and think maybe there are such things as soul mates.
and maybe love does exist outside of Cindereslla's fairytale.

but who knows.
maybe there could be a revolution.
and we could witness the new series of fortunate events.

Jeremiah 33 When Deliverance Isn't an Option

Jeremiah 33 will change your life. Go read it.

There is a place in the life of every individual where they feel like they have slipped too far away from God.
There's a place, so secluded, and dark, and hopeless, where you feel like giving up, and never coming back to face the world again.  The place where life no longer seems like it worth living..

There's a time where we wonder, and cry out, screaming, God! What did I do wrong? I've repented.  I've followed your plan to the best of my ability. I don't understand why I can't feel you anymore.  I don't understand why i'm having to face this, deal with this, put up with this.  I've asked to be delivered. I've confessed, I've laid my burden down before You like You asked.. and then i wake up to find it haunting me again.

-I once was in a Youth Retreat, in March of 2008, in a state of total rebellion.  Sitting through the first service, I was more worried about what I had on rather than the message going forth.  In the room, I was the one who turned on Lady Gaga, I was the one who caused all the trouble.  There was nothing you could say to me to make me feel any less repentant, no look you could turn my direction to make me hang my head in shame.  The next morning wasn't much different. Worship service was a joke to me.  Any ministering that may have gone forth was lost on me.  Approaching the stand, the special speaker came before us with a heavy heart, wanting so desperately to convey the sermon pressed upon his heart for us--for me.
Scoffing, i sat back.  Watching all the "religious suckers" around me immediately turn attentive. "What a bunch of hypocrites" was all i could think. 
     As the message developed, the more interested i became.  He was speaking of the next generation of Pentecostals to come.  Words that he spoke were stabbing my soul, I could barely keep the tears at bay.  Burden upon burden was pushed down onto my heart, and i knew somehow that he was talking directly to me.  I had to respond. When the altar call was given, i ran to the front, wanting to be in the presence of God again.. but it wasn't the right time.  My heart still wasn't in the right place, and i was still shutting Him out.  Tears came, but i still felt so empty inside.  There was a longing with no answer, and i couldn't understand it.
    I thought i was ready to come back, but i didn't understand that there was still more for me to experience in this life that would take me to a place i never wanted to go.. but i had to experience it to accomplish His ministry as a carrier in the future.

I was still backslidden, and you may be in the same place today, where you can't understand why you can't feel Him, where you think you've gone wrong too many times for Him to forgive you. But go back to that day where He planted that dream inside of you.  Go back to that time where you couldn't express anything but love for Him as He slowly revealed bits and pieces of His plan to you, when you couldn't even understand it.

 I thought that i had wronged Him too many times, that He would never hear me again.  But His timing is perfect.  I would cry out to be delivered, and i began to think that Deliverance was no longer an option.  I had to live with the choices i had made.

But He would quietly whisper to me the dreams He had placed in my heart.
He says in His word, "Call to me and I will answer you and show you great and mighty things, fenced in and hidden, which you do not know (do not distinguish and recognize, have knowledge of an understand)." (Jeremiah 33:3, Amp.)
(Jeremiah 33:3-11)
The tribe of Judah didn't understand why they were having to go through the attacks they were facing, but God said, I have it all under control.  I will speak to you things you don't understand yet, to give you hope.
(vs 6)  You may have to go through a lot.  You may have to be beated up and tried, but He promises His healing in the end.  His ultimate cure for your heart, His peace.   He knows you're going to fail, but he says "I'll forgive you.  You may have rebelled against me, but now you understand why.  You may have felt distant from me, but I was looking out for you.  You may not have understood, but you do now.  I have enough grace to cover everything you've ever done.  I don't want your guilt, I'll clease you from it. I want to restore your joy, your peace. I want to provide for you now."

It's all for His ultimate plan. Do we understand? Only after He reveals it to you.

He's calling out for you to come.  Just come and lay it before Him.  He'll take care of you. He wants your heart, your willingness to go through what you have to go through, and when you feel like giving up, run to Him.  Just place it before Him, saying I don't understand.  I don't know why I have to feel like this.  But God, if it's for your plan, for your will, then God,  I'm willing to do it. To go through it.  Shape me through it.

I'm willing to run to you, I will run, Forever i will run, unto You oh God, where else can i go? Forever i will run.

Rainboots and Sandwiches

mood: replaced

song: silence

location: smelly dorm

there's a time and place where you have to fight back the feelings of replacement.  there's a time when you have to stare at the face in the mirror and remind yourself that all things are temporary, new things happen all the time.

for the most part, i wish i could fly away on the breezes of whispers.. sung by the angel choir, directed by the effluent. 
there's a longing, a desire, a passion.  but i feel replaced.
i don't feel used right now.
i don't have a true sense of belonging to the whole.
disconnected.
....replaced.

at home, i had somewhat of  a job to fulfill  here, its all studying--granted that what i came all the way up here to do, but in the end, i want a job that means something.

My Aunt, the lady i look up to most in this world (other than my mom, of course) has found a new friend, a new helper, a funny girl thats cooler than i am.  and it stings a little. i knew i'd never be her favorite, so i need to just get over it and move on.

life's changing.. and i don't know how to handle it right now. at least my mom hasn't gotten a new friend she confides in. thank God. i'd cry my eyes out.

i still fight those feelings of never being good enough.
i know i'll always struggle with them. some days are easier than others, and its the positive days i look forward to.

i never practiced enough. i was never a good enough singer. he told me i should stick to piano, though it was somewhat passionless, for singers are too many to count.
i was never pretty enough, never thin enough, never lady like enough. she told me i could do better. take better care of myself. whiten my teeth more often.
they told me i wasn't apostolic enough. i had gifts--they weren't willing to use them. i tried, time and time again, only to be told no.
and still i want to go back to these people.

yeah, you're pretty-to an extent. but don't expect the boys to come to you.
if you maybe lost a little weight, then he wouldn't be embarrassed to like you.
you have a pretty face, but thats about all you've got going.
your boobs are ok.
you don't have a tiny waist.
no wonder he didn't want to admit to anyone he loved you.
you shouldn't wear contacts. it makes your nose look big.
you dress like a slut. (gee, thanks)
why are you crying? that's ridiculous. just fix it.
encouraging words? i guess we're just too honest.

i just need a place to get it off my chest.
i need the sanctuary i used to have here.
now that its been violated, i don't even feel safe.
i like being a hermit.
no one can judge you when you're all alone...at least not to your knowledge.
complacency. resistance. rebelliousness.

you know the feeling? of course you do. you're me.

he at least came to my recitals. and solos.
but it was never "good job, baby."
it was always, "next year, let's go for first place." or "you did fine. no one noticed. suck it up."

she at least bought the dress she hated so much.
it still makes her mad to see me wear it though.
because i don't look thin in it.

no one's perfect.
but i hope i can offer more support to someone in the future than they have to me.
that's the only thing i can offer.

i just want to feel special.
just for something in me to be unique again.
for someone outside me to notice if i'm special or not, or maybe i'm just desperate for attention. Lord, i hope not. help me.

you want honesty?
i didn't come here for the calling i was supposed to be following. i came here for desire of a craft-music.
but that wasn't my calling.
i am using it for practicality.
but not for a calling.
a singer? thats a small part of it.
a songwriter? another piece.
a writer? it helps.

but what have i been up to lately?
sermons.

take it how you want to. but that's how i feel.
it makes me want to cry.
i don't feel worthy of it.

remember the time at the C2 trip? and we had the special speaker in that small room with a handful of people, but it was the first time in years you had felt God? in March2010?
remember how you thought He could never use you? because you had drifted so far for so long, and had resisted everything He'd tried to show you?

remember that message taught at youth retreat? in 2008? and it was about the carriers of the message? and how God had called certain ones to carry His message to those to come?
you had never felt anything so strongly in all your life. that was one of the only times you ever raced to an altar. you knew it was for you. you held to the promise. and you still couldn't feel God.

you'd been running from him since you were 15.
it started with Lady Gaga.
and it ended when you came to IBC, and went to that weekend with Renee to her house, and spent it at church, and that last night, you cried for the first time in a repentant way.. saying you were sorry. actually feeeling something again.

and then something changed.
and you wanted to do it so bad.
and at the same time..
 you're still searching for their approval.
 and you still feel.. replaced.