Collection of Misery

mood: anxious

locale: new antique bed

song: clock


i'm so nervous about this.
this is jacqui speaking, not annalise.

maybe it is annalise, but you know what, she doesn't have to go through this, curses.

g-rated profanities.
explatives.

you would think when you found out what your calling was [concerning spiritual matters] you would be elated. supernaturally relieved to have finally been chosen in the select few.. to have a special sticker placed on your forehead that knighted you as a carrier of truth in His ministry for the rest of you long lived life.

He reveal the pieces to you slowly.. you know one thing for sure.. just for Him to add something else to it.
so you think.
what if you can't handle the other part?
what if you think it's too big for you to fulfill?
what if you're the dreamer, again, in this scenario, and its just wishful thinking?
but would there be a burden for it?
what would happen to the rest of your life plans?
what if it all changes your thinking?
your behaviour to the point of drasticism?
phrase: "simplistic idealogies"
would be nice.

there's only so much i think i could physically do.
i need to search out what He really, REALLY means.
the other ones, i was fine with.
i could do those.
no prob. no big deal. i'd gotten used to them. been mentally preparing myself to go through it. to be educated in what would be expected. watching those i thought were good role models, and thinking to myself, i would like to be like that one day..
gradually trying to work their characteristics into my lifestyle--not mastered in the slightest.

But THIS??! come on.
i've told like.. one person. i take that back. i've told two people.
both were incredibly shocked.
because it's not something you would EVER see me doing.
EVER.
that's why it freaks me out.
they could be my shoes one day.

I'm willing to do whatever God wants. Honestly.
I've told him since I was 8 years old.
Remember? that time Bro. Joey sat you down, and asked you what you wanted to do for God?
what did you reply?
"the biggest thing possible."
what did he say to that?
"what do you mean? like to be a worship leader? a song/praise singer? what?"
and you said?
"even if its the smallest thing to me, and to everybody else, i want it to be the biggest thing i could do for Him. because it means i gave Everthing back."

I'm willing. I'd be a liar if i had told Him otherwise and not kept my promise.
He has my life in His hands.
That's why I'm careful.
I should be more careful.
more protective of what i've got.
what i've already given away.
to make ABSOLUTELY sure that it's His PERFECT will, not just what my flesh wants to happen.
Goodness knows where that's gotten us in the past.

especially when it comes to churched boys.
sometime i think it'd be ok if i just ruined my life.
but i can Never ruin someone else's ministry.
they may want what they want,
but let's put God first.
He'll tell us if it's right or not.
He's never been wrong before.

He's got so much in store.
how do we even know?
we don't.
who knows what He may bring forth tomorrow,
for He is the One who brings forth the wind.

When a Pillar Crumbles, So Goes the World

i have been working on a new piece:

with your petty crimes against a fascist world

the covenants broke, redeemed to knock on wood

when a moral falls and a system dies

when there's no longer drive to choke down the lie

when a pillar crumbles, so goes the world

haven't finished it yet.

but i rather like it(:

i found a collection of works online i found absolutely exhilarating.

i think i might enter a poetry contest.

just maybe.

you have to write it two weeks before the due date, on a spur of the moment whim.

but it sounds like it could be fun.

i just need to find out when the next entry date is.

i have recently learned that there are those that actually read this online sanctuary i thought i had created.

i put the address on skype just to seem cool. i honestly never imagined people would check up on it. i never do.

it makes me feel uncomfortable.

there's no more privacy here... even if it is just for prattle, nonsense.

so i might delete this one, and create a new one somewhere.. different site.. different alias..

i'm not sure when, how, but it'll come.

thank you to those who have anonymously followed.

but i need my space.

sorry.

Stillness Of Quiet is Just Where We Need To Be

mood: complacent

locale: my chouch

song: Oceans Twelve


Billowy, Mockingbird, Dewberry, Essential,

Bewitched..

words that capture the attention, and bring about a sense of familiarity upon instance.
like a dangling piece of glass suspended only by continual will of purpose.

i found my little journal of musings.. my sketches that render the dark humor and seriousness of conceptualism.

minority, senority, conglamoratory.

let the lillies whisper my tales of service and solitude,
the sun wretches my happiness in shambles of light,
pieces of my destiny shaped to yours,
arranged only by thoughts of my own magnitude.
my heart sees your folly but is blind by acknowledged blight,
and concedes to your care by entrapment.

stale is the day.

complete.