Normal to my Gram happens in the following schedule: wake up at five a.m. every morning to go walking; eat oatmeal with blueberries; watch the 8 o'clock news; include me in her plan for the day. Everything with her depends on priority. Top priority takes precedent over absolutely every other item on any kind of list until it finally can be marked off, bringing in a breath of accomplishment. That is, until the new tasks start.
So far, we've "spring cleaned" all available surfaces in this house. (Obviously I had the option to do the chores that did not include heavy aerosol arsenal.) The business portions she handled had been transferred to her branch in town, where I sometimes acted as her personal assistant. We also became active members in the small pastoral community, visiting the farmers market and other country hubs that brought special magic and meaning to the air.
Here, I didn't feel like I had to hide anything. People may have given me looks on occasion, but that was mostly based on how much food I managed to chuck down in one sitting. Which was a lot these days. The Gilmore's would be so proud. But, all in all, there was no judgement. The usual fakes I may have had to deal with back home weren't lurking in alley ways snap my picture and tell everyone at Bible study what they had seen.
Every week I tried to take picture of my belly. Maybe one day when I had the strength to see Tyler again, I could show him how our baby grew. I could show him that even turmoil couldn't ruin the weird miracle in my lower region.
Honestly, pregnancy wasn't all I had thought that it would be. It felt weird. There really was no glow. There was no oozing sense of motherhood that just happened to pour from my veins and touch the world around me. I was nauseous. At night. In the morning. I craved apple juice and nuts and scrambled eggs. On occasion I did feel like there was a hyperactive rubber ball on the inside. With fingers probably. Just trying to rubber ball roll his way out. I figured he was a boy. He felt like a boy. It was still too early to tell, but I felt like he should be one..
I knew it was too early to let Tyler go. I had been the one to do all the pushing. and I knew that. But I knew there were options that would make this whole blessed thing move further and further back into the years of yesterday.. and the options only grew. Gram had talked to me about adoption, especially after she introduced me to Spence. He was the local church boy who's father happened to be mayor.. and owner of a large operating section of Gram's business.. convenient.. but he was nice, and he made me smile over the simple stuff. Oh, and he didn't care that my abdomen was slowly starting to compete with the size of a prize winning watermelon.
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Monday, November 28, 2011
Officially
I stared out my window for weeks. Guilt moved me inside, a recluse from reality. My mother cried all the time, my dad barely spoke. We all just moped around, lifeless, dull, waiting for a spark of energy to zap the house. Mostly we examined my abdomen. Sometimes Mom would come and sit with me, place her hand on the barely there bump, and just sigh. I wondered if she were ever going to love me again, talk to me the way we used to, ever move past the way we were acting.
After Tyler had left to go back to football camp that weekend, I cut off all contact with him. He deserved more than a future like this. Watching the movies and reading the books could never have prepared me for what the truth experience was really like, but here it was in my lap, just wasting time like the rest of us.
My grandmother was the last person i wanted to include in the joyous occasion, but she surprisingly turned out to be the best thing that could have ever happened to me. Level headed and cool, she chauffeured me to all the best baby depots and maternity stores, making sure I knew that if I were going to have the baby, I better have a way to bring it into the world. I listened half-heartedly. Honestly, it barely felt like consciousness anymore. The gaping hole inside my chest grew larger everyday. Finally, i blocked Tyler's calls. Having five or six missed messages a day was more than i could handle. Space was all I wanted. That dark place where the empty caverns are your best friends that understand exactly what you're going through.
When Gram suggested we go to her Winter house for a few months, i jumped at the chance. A new place with a new town was all that I wanted. Scandalous events were not too common for my families name, so keeping this baby underwraps would be the best thing, you know, concerning the circumstances.
"Pick any of the rooms you want. I'll tell Charlise what to pick up from the store, so if there's anything you need, just tell her. If you need me, I'm going to be in the North side. Just follow the hall."
Ash plunked her luggage ontop the bare mattress, wondering what this house must have looked like in its prime. The winter house for the Brooke's family was just south of Atlanta, buried in the leftover Smoky Mountains, surrounded by forest and ancestoral plantation fields. The marble pillars and ceramic floors created a grand contrast against the gently countryside. Ash chose the room with the best South view, the one she and her mother used to share when they would come visit Gram just weeks before Christmas. All the family visits had stopped once Harold P. Brooke passed, leaving Gram his business to run and property to attend. She had sold off most of his investements, but had always kept this house. "It's too full of mystery and history to let some stranger move in. Harry would have wanted it to stay. So that's what i'm going to do."
Fluffing out sheets and pulling crinkly covers from their plastic casings, Ash breathed the cooling air. The windows were open to tug in some cedar scents, as well as chase away any cobwebs left in the cracks. "No need to have the crew clean it on such a short notice. We'll just show up and take care of what we need. The rest will fall into place," Gram had assured her repeatedly that their stay wouldn't be a bother to the groundskeepers. "What else do we pay them for? To sit around and look darling?"
When the folding and hanging had been done, Ash pulled out her secret box. Inside remained the two most precious items left to her on earth. The collection of sticky notes that Ty had left her, and their picture taken together at his last game. She mourned the two innocent faces, lost in romance and passion with no thought for tomorrow. Heart breaking, she slid it under her bed, counting the moments until the sun would come up again.
After Tyler had left to go back to football camp that weekend, I cut off all contact with him. He deserved more than a future like this. Watching the movies and reading the books could never have prepared me for what the truth experience was really like, but here it was in my lap, just wasting time like the rest of us.
My grandmother was the last person i wanted to include in the joyous occasion, but she surprisingly turned out to be the best thing that could have ever happened to me. Level headed and cool, she chauffeured me to all the best baby depots and maternity stores, making sure I knew that if I were going to have the baby, I better have a way to bring it into the world. I listened half-heartedly. Honestly, it barely felt like consciousness anymore. The gaping hole inside my chest grew larger everyday. Finally, i blocked Tyler's calls. Having five or six missed messages a day was more than i could handle. Space was all I wanted. That dark place where the empty caverns are your best friends that understand exactly what you're going through.
When Gram suggested we go to her Winter house for a few months, i jumped at the chance. A new place with a new town was all that I wanted. Scandalous events were not too common for my families name, so keeping this baby underwraps would be the best thing, you know, concerning the circumstances.
"Pick any of the rooms you want. I'll tell Charlise what to pick up from the store, so if there's anything you need, just tell her. If you need me, I'm going to be in the North side. Just follow the hall."
Ash plunked her luggage ontop the bare mattress, wondering what this house must have looked like in its prime. The winter house for the Brooke's family was just south of Atlanta, buried in the leftover Smoky Mountains, surrounded by forest and ancestoral plantation fields. The marble pillars and ceramic floors created a grand contrast against the gently countryside. Ash chose the room with the best South view, the one she and her mother used to share when they would come visit Gram just weeks before Christmas. All the family visits had stopped once Harold P. Brooke passed, leaving Gram his business to run and property to attend. She had sold off most of his investements, but had always kept this house. "It's too full of mystery and history to let some stranger move in. Harry would have wanted it to stay. So that's what i'm going to do."
Fluffing out sheets and pulling crinkly covers from their plastic casings, Ash breathed the cooling air. The windows were open to tug in some cedar scents, as well as chase away any cobwebs left in the cracks. "No need to have the crew clean it on such a short notice. We'll just show up and take care of what we need. The rest will fall into place," Gram had assured her repeatedly that their stay wouldn't be a bother to the groundskeepers. "What else do we pay them for? To sit around and look darling?"
When the folding and hanging had been done, Ash pulled out her secret box. Inside remained the two most precious items left to her on earth. The collection of sticky notes that Ty had left her, and their picture taken together at his last game. She mourned the two innocent faces, lost in romance and passion with no thought for tomorrow. Heart breaking, she slid it under her bed, counting the moments until the sun would come up again.
Thursday, November 24, 2011
First Run Fancy
Never a pain so strong as that as anticipation. She sinks her slippery fingers to pull doubt, malice, fear, and hate into the nether regions of our conscience. Ashton and Tyler quietly huddled together on the center sofa, staged to present an humble facade. Eyes boring holes into the floor, neither bothered to lift their gazes once the pair of adults had lifted foot onto the premises. Quick chatter and mindless prattle set the atmosphere as the two lighthearted parents traipsed through the front rooms, rehashing and ranting about the times. When they met the frightened figures resembling naughty children awaiting them, the air silenced.
"Hey! What are you two doing?" Delicate stilettos swung from the tips of her fingers. The atmosphere changed when her father stepped into the room.
Backs straightening, throats clearing, Ash grimaced as the words flew from her lips, "We need to talk to you guys."
"OK. What about?" The expressions on her parents faces darkened. Sucking her cheeks, she gulped down the hot air threatening to spill out.
"Maybe this would be easier if you would sit down. Please." Sinking into the overstuffed chairs across from them, panic froze the shocked features.
"I get the feeling this isn't you telling us... No. I don't want to guess." Her mother wiped tears from watery eyes. "Why am I crying? Ridiculous. I just... Please don't tell me."
"Mom, Dad......We're pregnant."
"Hey! What are you two doing?" Delicate stilettos swung from the tips of her fingers. The atmosphere changed when her father stepped into the room.
Backs straightening, throats clearing, Ash grimaced as the words flew from her lips, "We need to talk to you guys."
"OK. What about?" The expressions on her parents faces darkened. Sucking her cheeks, she gulped down the hot air threatening to spill out.
"Maybe this would be easier if you would sit down. Please." Sinking into the overstuffed chairs across from them, panic froze the shocked features.
"I get the feeling this isn't you telling us... No. I don't want to guess." Her mother wiped tears from watery eyes. "Why am I crying? Ridiculous. I just... Please don't tell me."
"Mom, Dad......We're pregnant."
Monday, October 3, 2011
Ashton
The air was whispering through the trees, the rain starting to tinker as it hit the leaves. Ash paced the patterned floor to the woods around the paths that were so familiar. Swirling designs with the toe of her shoe, she waited at the gazebo, wishing away the minutes into the eternal abyss. There were moments like these when she could think without judgement, think without fear, realize the reality sinking the ships of desperate emotion around her.
Winking up at the overcast sky, she sighed out her ancitipation of the coming conversation. This was it. She was going to have to do it. Blinking back the moisture in her eyes, she rubbed the hardening abdomen around her core. Little bundles of joy come in different shapes, sizes, and genders.
Crunching twigs under truck tires woke Ash from her reverie. The engine shut off, releasing a groan from the long hours of travel it had had to endure. Rugged and worn in the elements, Ash watched the love of her life saunter toward her, a defeated smile crooked across his lips. She hesitated, grinning into the doom certain to come. Raising her arms, he nuzzled into her neck, welcoming her warm scent. "You look good. Man, I've missed you." He kissed her forehead, closing his eyes, willing the strenght to come back.
"You didn't have to come. I told you I have things under control here." Wincing, she sniffled back the turmoil inside. This was going to be hard.
"But I Want, to be here. I want to help, and be the one who helps take responsibility."
"Kingsley, have I ever mentioned how stubborn you can be?"
His eyes darkened, "Have I ever told you how ignorant you can be?"
"What are we gonna do first? I'm not leaving. I want to stay here."
"I guess that's where we'll start."
"Ash, honey, you've brushed the same piece of hair about twenty times now. It's not going to get any easier, no matter how long you sit there." Glancing at Ty in the mirror, I moved my brush to another section. My parents were due home anytime, and all I could think about was vomiting. Rubbing my shoulders with his thumbs, he started singing, that signature thing he did when he was trying to lighten the mood. Only this song, was our song. Romance in a dark time. Classic.
Swiveling my stool into his legs, I grabbed his waist. Hugs make everything better. "You smell good."
"Yeah? My new man scent. Courageous Coward. Like it?" How could i not help but smile. He was anthing but.
Pulling him down to my level, I took his hair between my fingers, squaring him right in the eyes. Gravity was pulling into seriousness, seizing the moment. "Whatever happens, whatever is said, I need you to know that I will always, always, Love you. Maybe we've never really said it, for real, but I do, whether you want to hear it or not, and I need you to know, that nothings going to change that. Nothing."
His brows furrowed together, wiping the trailing drops from my eyes. He started out husky, "I...love..you, more than you can possibly comprehend. You can't change it. Tonight won't change it. That, I promise."
Outside, the gravel popped in warning to the oncoming company we were about to have. Sweeping the room with a look, i took Ty's hand, and led him to the slaughter.
Sunday, October 2, 2011
Baby Bump
"There is NO WAY I'm not letting you go to Vivian. That is a perfectly good school that you have worked extrememly hard to get into. You graduated early, did summer school two years in a row!" Shaking my head, I let my mother rant on and on about how she was going to fix this emotional break down I must have been going through. You know, since I wanted to maybe stay home a semester, travel around a little before I was stuck forever into the lifestyle I was supposed to have picked by the time I was a Sophmore. Droll.
Nobody knew, except Tyler, what had happened about two and a quarter months ago. God, even thinking about it made me feel a tad naseous. Observing Mom pace back and forth through the kitchen a few more times, i gulped down the last of my water. So thirsty lately, weird. "Geez, Ashton, why do you have that sweater on again? It's nearly 90 degrees outside." Oh, and cold too.
Flipping back the strands of the fly away frizz that happened to escape my bun, I trudged a beaten path around the living room furniture to the staircase. Whistfully examining my happy surroundings that were the only security I knew, I wondered for an instant how it would feel to be kicked out of them. Whatever. They wouldn't do that to me. Right? They would still love me.
Tyler tried his hardest to put it all into the football program that day. He followed every instruction, kept to himself, did extra reps in the weight room, but nothing could take his mind off of Ashton. "Kingsley! Where you at?" Jerking to attention, he swiveled to watch his teammate stride up to him. "Dude, we went out like 20 minutes ago. You're still sitting here, doing nothing, at the same seat, looking at the same place in the wall. Man, you schitzo?" Bewildered, he gritted out, "Just got a lot on my mind. What's up?"
Flinging every known possession into his duffel, Tyler dialed Ash's number. "Hello?"
"Ash, babe, I'm coming home. I can't do this anymore, I've got to help you fix this. It's not fair."
"Wait, wait, hold on. That's crazy! Stay there, at least until you get that break... That would make more sense. There's nothing you can do right now, Ty. Nothing. It would just complicate things with my parents, and I'm trying to figure out where I'm going to go in a few weeks--"
"Go? What do you mean, you need to figure out where to go? I thought you got into Vivian? You just disappear, not without me."
"I'm not going to disappear. Just, let's just talk about this when you get here, OK? That's only in--"
"No, no, Ash. I'm coming home now. This isn't worth it. I need to be there."
"I gotta go. Call me later, k?"
"On my way."
Nobody knew, except Tyler, what had happened about two and a quarter months ago. God, even thinking about it made me feel a tad naseous. Observing Mom pace back and forth through the kitchen a few more times, i gulped down the last of my water. So thirsty lately, weird. "Geez, Ashton, why do you have that sweater on again? It's nearly 90 degrees outside." Oh, and cold too.
Flipping back the strands of the fly away frizz that happened to escape my bun, I trudged a beaten path around the living room furniture to the staircase. Whistfully examining my happy surroundings that were the only security I knew, I wondered for an instant how it would feel to be kicked out of them. Whatever. They wouldn't do that to me. Right? They would still love me.
Tyler tried his hardest to put it all into the football program that day. He followed every instruction, kept to himself, did extra reps in the weight room, but nothing could take his mind off of Ashton. "Kingsley! Where you at?" Jerking to attention, he swiveled to watch his teammate stride up to him. "Dude, we went out like 20 minutes ago. You're still sitting here, doing nothing, at the same seat, looking at the same place in the wall. Man, you schitzo?" Bewildered, he gritted out, "Just got a lot on my mind. What's up?"
Flinging every known possession into his duffel, Tyler dialed Ash's number. "Hello?"
"Ash, babe, I'm coming home. I can't do this anymore, I've got to help you fix this. It's not fair."
"Wait, wait, hold on. That's crazy! Stay there, at least until you get that break... That would make more sense. There's nothing you can do right now, Ty. Nothing. It would just complicate things with my parents, and I'm trying to figure out where I'm going to go in a few weeks--"
"Go? What do you mean, you need to figure out where to go? I thought you got into Vivian? You just disappear, not without me."
"I'm not going to disappear. Just, let's just talk about this when you get here, OK? That's only in--"
"No, no, Ash. I'm coming home now. This isn't worth it. I need to be there."
"I gotta go. Call me later, k?"
"On my way."
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Ty & Ash
"Walk with me." It wasn't said suggestively. i tumbled out of his side of the truck as he pulled my hand to catch up to his fast pace. Winding through the trees, we came to the small enclosed gazebo just beside the parks edge. Whipping round to face me, he placed his palms upon my cheeks. "Do you love me? Honestly and for real?" I could only shake my head in agreement.
"Will you do something for me?" his eyes were burning with the intensity.
"You know i would. Anything."
Gently, he tugged me closer to his body. I resisted. Tugging gently on the collar of my shirt, he lowered his lips to mine, breathing in the intoxicating exhilation. Tenderly caressing the curves of my shirt, his kisses moved lower. Sharp gasps of air escaped my mouth. i couldn't believe what i was doing. but in the still of my subconscious, i was waiting for that shining magical moment, when i would emerge a woman, and he would never consider leaving me.
2 months later
"oh...my... Crap. Geeze! What. The. Heck. Were. You. Thinking?!!" the tiny little strip turned pink as i held it out before my bewildered eyes. How had this happen? oh, right. i remember.
shrugging off the nausea, i made my way to my bedroom, ready to pick up any large heavy object and take a good swing at something breakable.
"uhhhhhhh.....oh snap." the waves were coming harder now. how was i going to tell him? was i going to tell him? was i going to tell anybody? i left for school in 3 days, and was traveling all the way to Vivian, a whole 30 minutes away. that wouldn't provide enough privacy for anybody. oh my gosh. How am i going to tell Ty?
Glancing at his phone, Ty recovered the one missed call. Flipping through new texts, one in particular caused a peculiar expression to cross the handsome face. dialing the all too familiar number, Ty rubbed at his temples for comfort. Finally a voice was heard on the other line.
"ASHTON! Whats going on? Are you sick? Hurt? Do i need to come home?"
in seconds, the panic melted to a somber numb that washed over his person. dropping to the floor, ty sat back in astonishment. Their lives were over.
"Will you do something for me?" his eyes were burning with the intensity.
"You know i would. Anything."
Gently, he tugged me closer to his body. I resisted. Tugging gently on the collar of my shirt, he lowered his lips to mine, breathing in the intoxicating exhilation. Tenderly caressing the curves of my shirt, his kisses moved lower. Sharp gasps of air escaped my mouth. i couldn't believe what i was doing. but in the still of my subconscious, i was waiting for that shining magical moment, when i would emerge a woman, and he would never consider leaving me.
2 months later
"oh...my... Crap. Geeze! What. The. Heck. Were. You. Thinking?!!" the tiny little strip turned pink as i held it out before my bewildered eyes. How had this happen? oh, right. i remember.
shrugging off the nausea, i made my way to my bedroom, ready to pick up any large heavy object and take a good swing at something breakable.
"uhhhhhhh.....oh snap." the waves were coming harder now. how was i going to tell him? was i going to tell him? was i going to tell anybody? i left for school in 3 days, and was traveling all the way to Vivian, a whole 30 minutes away. that wouldn't provide enough privacy for anybody. oh my gosh. How am i going to tell Ty?
Glancing at his phone, Ty recovered the one missed call. Flipping through new texts, one in particular caused a peculiar expression to cross the handsome face. dialing the all too familiar number, Ty rubbed at his temples for comfort. Finally a voice was heard on the other line.
"ASHTON! Whats going on? Are you sick? Hurt? Do i need to come home?"
in seconds, the panic melted to a somber numb that washed over his person. dropping to the floor, ty sat back in astonishment. Their lives were over.
Monday, August 1, 2011
Ty & Ash
I couldn't really help the emotions coursing through my body. Love lost is love won, but Ty was my whole world. Without him there was nothing left for me to do. I could go to school and really buckle down into a career, yet there was still that haunting feeling that everything was going to change for the worse, and that was something i couldn't bear facing.
Ticking off the last hours of summer pierced my body with agony. Burning behind my eyelids were the tears of remorse. Days and weeks of the calendar flickered through the air, tangible with tantric scenes seared into the ridges of my mind. Clutching the sides of my chest, I waited for him to pull the truck around to the front door. Melodramatic as it was, tonight was our last dinner, detailed by the stiff silence. Everything had been uncomfortable. Neither of us had barely uttered a word, nor looked at each other. Of course in the backs of our minds, it was completely ridiculous, we would obviously be seeing each other. Finality just must have that effect on people.
Rumbling to attention, the cherry red auto was waiting for me to come inside. Little mournful drops of woe started sprinkling from the sky, sort of an omen capturing the moment. He pulled around to our spot in the grove. In the dark, i could feel his eyes searching out my face, his thumb running worried circles onto the back of my hand and fingers. "What have you been hiding from me all night?" he whispered over the rain.
i shook my head. speaking was only going to force the tears.
Slowly pulling me to his side of the car, he wrapped his well formed arms around the shudders that were threatening to compel the sobs just caught in my throat. "Shhh... Baby, it's all gonna be OK! I promise. Don't be so upset. We'll make this work."
I batted my wet eyelashes up at him. "I love you." Blinking a few times up at the ceiling, one glimmering tear shone in the moonlight, emotions unknown surging like electricity.
Ticking off the last hours of summer pierced my body with agony. Burning behind my eyelids were the tears of remorse. Days and weeks of the calendar flickered through the air, tangible with tantric scenes seared into the ridges of my mind. Clutching the sides of my chest, I waited for him to pull the truck around to the front door. Melodramatic as it was, tonight was our last dinner, detailed by the stiff silence. Everything had been uncomfortable. Neither of us had barely uttered a word, nor looked at each other. Of course in the backs of our minds, it was completely ridiculous, we would obviously be seeing each other. Finality just must have that effect on people.
Rumbling to attention, the cherry red auto was waiting for me to come inside. Little mournful drops of woe started sprinkling from the sky, sort of an omen capturing the moment. He pulled around to our spot in the grove. In the dark, i could feel his eyes searching out my face, his thumb running worried circles onto the back of my hand and fingers. "What have you been hiding from me all night?" he whispered over the rain.
i shook my head. speaking was only going to force the tears.
Slowly pulling me to his side of the car, he wrapped his well formed arms around the shudders that were threatening to compel the sobs just caught in my throat. "Shhh... Baby, it's all gonna be OK! I promise. Don't be so upset. We'll make this work."
I batted my wet eyelashes up at him. "I love you." Blinking a few times up at the ceiling, one glimmering tear shone in the moonlight, emotions unknown surging like electricity.
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